Following a brief but illuminating poll of dog owners, here are the words their beloved pooches would never utter.
I have been out in the wet, am thoroughly soaked and now need to be dried with a towel and a hairdryer; rolling about on your bed/amongst you clean washing/on your new sofa will not be suitable.
That muddy puddle looks disgusting and I will avoid sinking my entire body down into it.
That dog's bum/my bum looks awful and I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole
I know you're tired and have sore feet, so I tell you what, let's forget the walk tonight
Please, after you
Eating others' food is so common
I'm sorry if my staring makes you uncomfortable
I think I need to go to the vet's this week
I think lacing my neck with this fox excrement I just found might be a fashion mistake
I prefer my own bed, thanks
This chew/ball/squeaky toy you gave me looks so much better than his. And definitely better than your new shoes.
Drinking water from the toilet sucks
Cats are no fun
In answer to your question ''who's a stinky boy then?'' the answer is ''me''
I think I will avoid that little kid with the open packet of crisps/custard cream/ice lolly
Jumping up at someone in white trousers is so inconsiderate
I reckon this rottweiler/mastiff/akita/german shepherd is too tough for me
Digging up plants is totally anti-social
I am sometimes shocked by my own farts
Barking randomly for no apparent reason is unacceptable behaviour
