For the most part, people don't care about turtles. I mean, you'll occasionally come across a person who collects various turtle items, such as stuffed animals or turtle soup. But those people are few and far between. I like turtles, but I'm not crazy about them. Which is why while judging this turtle I will show no remorse. The turtle will be graded based on 5 different areas of animal… judgment. So without further ado, let us begin.
Offensive Capabilities
Just from a cursory glance, I can tell that at least this turtle is pissed off. I don't think it would require that great a leap in logic to assume that all turtles are pissed off, and that creates danger. This turtle also appears to be thinking. His look up into the air suggests confidence. Or maybe it's just waiting for an Eagle that's coming his way to arrive so that its life may be ended finally. I hear turtle suicide is a serious problem, so there is no need for laughter. But, if we choose to say that the turtle is thinking, that creates for another element of danger. Everybody knows that turtles are slow, so I have a shimmer of doubt when I imagine a fight between a turtle and say… a lion. Although, in that one story, the turtle beat the rabbit, but this would lend itself more towards the intelligence of the turtle then to the speed of it. And some turtles can snap. But not all of them, so we're going with the domestic turtle (a real thing?), not the snapping turtle.
Defensive Capabilities
This is the area where you would think the turtle would really shines. He's got that shell, but that's not all. He can completely go inside the shell. But he's screwed if say a monkey gets a hold of him. Because the monkey would get all up in his shell with a stick or one of its fingers. But that's not all, if we go back to the lion, the lion would also probably be able to crush its entire defenses. I wonder if lions and turtles fight often…
Scariness
The turtle is rather bland when you think about. Scariness is almost directly linked with an animal's offensive capabilities. But, it is also directly linked to how much you would like to meet this animal in a dark alleyway. For 99% of people, meeting a turtle in a dark alleyway is not going to induce a panic attack. Unless of course it's some kind of mutant turtle in its teenage years. But the chances of that happening are slim to none. Some people would probably just pick up a nearby hobo and chuck it at the turtle if they were even remotely scared. Normal people would step over the turtle while pondering why the turtle was in an alleyway in the first place.
Cuteness
Turtles aren't even close to being cute. Sorry to anybody who says that turtles are adorable, but you're probably thinking about cartoon turtles. Turtles up close have a sort of wet, gross quality about them. A lack of fluffiness hurts turtles in this category as well. Everybody knows that bunnies and kittens are cute. But everybody also knows that bald bunnies and kittens are gross. I rest my case.
Food Chain
I'm not exactly positive where the turtle would fall on the food chain. What does a turtle even eat? Does anybody know? I get the feeling that they eat plants and maybe bugs. I'm going to say that they're probably pretty low on the food chain because I think that an otter could probably take one in a fight.
| Offensive Capabilities | *Slow, non snapping, but smart, and pissed off | Rating: 6 |
| Defensive Capablities | * A shell, but in the wrong hands, or mouth, it doesn't matter | Rating: 7 |
| Scariness | *People aren't scared of turtles, enough said | Rating: 3 |
| Cuteness | *No fur, wet and gross, cartoon turtles are cute | Rating: 4 |
| Food Chain | *Just above crickets, far below otters | Rating: 3 |
| Overall Animal Rating | *An average defense, but a low everything else gives this animal a low rating | Overall Rating: 21 out of 50 |
