As Americans spend their summers at the beach, many are concerned about that ever present threat when visiting the oceans: sharks. While the dominance of the shark is inevitable, there are a few things one can to to prolong life by at least a few minutes.
Don't be bleeding
It's well documented that sharks are attracted to blood and can smell it from many miles away. If you have so much as a paper cut, stay at least 200 yards from the water line (more on this later).
Don't be involved with questionable lending practices
Sharks love irony.
Don't kill or in any way insult a shark's mother
Sharks are notorious for their unrestrained Oedipal complexes and will pursue you relentlessly if they feel you have done this.
Don't be Steven Spielberg
Steven Spielberg has not gone swimming, not even in a pool since the preproduction phase on Jaws. If you have not seen the movie, don't watch it and if you have, try to forget that you have seen it. Scientists are still trying to ferret out the shark's mind-reading capabilities.
Don't sunbathe
If you must sunbathe, do it at least 200 yards from the water and keep your eyes open, even if it means staring directly into the sun. One day, probably soon, the first land shark will emerge from the water and you don't want to be the first freshly roasted man-sausage on the sand. Evolution. It's happening.
Don't eat
Experts estimate that you should not eat for at least two weeks before going to the beach. The sharks will feel as if you are teasing them. In addition, the weakness brought on by lack of food will help you should a shark attack; you will be too weak to struggle and can silently (or as you scream in pain, there are no rules) make peace with life.
