Kiss a Frog, Get Slimy Lips

I seem to be very attractive to spiders of many varieties, big ones, little ones, somewhere in between ones… It doesn’t matter what they look like, they will be attracted to my apparently arachnid personality. I wish I could say that this bizarre trait is confined solely to spiders but it would appear otherwise, considering that I also hold an attraction for mice, beetles, flies, ants, bees, and funny looking little worms. I guess it would not be out of line to suggest that I have the ability to attract vermin of all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately this talent does not seem to include men.

Any man in my life at this moment would probably feel jealous of all the competition anyway, as I always seem to be accompanied by at least one member of the creepy-crawly family of critters. It could be that Daddy Long-legs spider that will crawl all over you and will always remain just out of your reach so you go quickly insane trying to slap it while turning in a circle looking for all the world like a dog chasing its tail, or more appropriately, trying to bite a bothersome flea. This, by the way, is always an attractive look.

Or, I could have a lady bug hitching a ride on my back, apparently looking for aphids to eat or some such thing. I have seen just one of those critters strip every louse from a severely infested house plant in less than a day, which makes me cringe wondering just what in the heck the bug finds so interesting about me. The same goes for male mosquitoes. In case you are wondering how in the heck I could possibly know if a mosquito is male or female, I will tell you this; if it is sucking your blood it is female. If it is flying loop-the-loops around your head and finally settles on your colorful shirt and starts trying to drink from it, it is male. Even guy insects don’t ask directions.

Actually male mosquitoes are physically incapable of drinking blood, but that doesn’t make them look any less menacing. And so it sort of helps to have a few Mosquito-eaters flying about. The Mosquito-eater, for those of you who have never heard of such a thing, is a bug that looks like a giant mosquito and eats nothing but mosquitoes. They will lie in wait for a human being to open the door and step outside, whereupon they will swiftly move in to surround that person’s head. Mosquito-eaters aren’t stupid, after all. They know a walking restaurant when they see one.

You have heard the old fairy tale about kissing a frog and poof, he becomes a handsome prince? Well, trust me when I tell you it does not work quite that way. Sure you can kiss a frog if you are so inclined, but you are unlikely to get a prince out of the deal. Generally speaking, what you will actually get is slimy lips and a terrible photo of you performing the dirty deed which will be exhibited on the internet for the world to see for the next five years. No, you can’t get a handsome prince from kissing a frog, but you can get an interesting life-long reputation. You may also make a friend in the process, but he will definitely be something less than prince like.

I know of a ten year old girl who did kiss a frog once….on the lips. I watched her do it, and I watched her disappointment that he did not suddenly incarnate as Prince Charming, with the charming crown, tights, cape and all. So I told her that her frog was retroactive. He would become a prince when she turned twenty. She was pretty much satisfied with that disclosure, which makes me think I should have upped it to age thirty. Oh well, live and learn. Hope he doesn’t slap her with his tongue and then hop away.

Being attractive to vermin does have its upside. For one thing, I don’t need to carry a can of mace because who would accost a person wearing a tarantula? Also, I don’t need to carry any insect repellent since the spiders will eat the flies, and the ladybugs will eat the aphids and whatever else is adorning me at the moment. Of course, the effect loses something when you are dealing with sane people. They tend to think of live critters worn on the person as being something less than respectable, unless the live critter is cruelly glued to a broach and lives its entire life pinned to your shoulder. Then it is called high fashion.

Perhaps I should not totally embrace the wildlife way of life, but how in the heck can I help it, when the darn things won’t leave me alone? Maybe I just need a new perspective. Perhaps if I looked at it from the bug point of view it would help…..Then again, maybe not, as a bug’s perspective on life just might be more frightening than I have ever anticipated. I know the poor things are attracted by hair spray, and probably to body odor as well, which is the source of all those cartoon characters we see with bugs flying in circles around their heads.

In my case varnishing my hair with the spray is a sort of reckless idea, not because it might attract more bugs, but because the bugs that were already visiting would not be able to fly away. I would be stuck with rather interesting hair ornaments for the entire day. Hmm, now if I painted them gold and silver…well, the possibilities are endless. Maybe getting bugged is not such a bad idea after all.