Rocky the Human Dog

I have managed to capture a few things Rocky has come out with over the years…

(for those needing aural association, Rocky sounds rather like Eric Cartman from South Park and 80's footballing legend, Jim Beglin)

"If you close this door on me I will rip your face off and appear on the front page of the Manchester Evening News"

(Usually preceded and followed by loud barking) "Get away from the marked perimeter of this property!!! No! Too near!! Thaaat's right. Back off!"

"Look, just keep me away from old people. That's all I ask"

"See these sharp angry teeth? So don't groom me with that metal instrument of doom, ok?"

"Oh hilarious! Yes, I am covered in icy snow. My coat does not happen to be lined with Thinsulate you abusive humanoid!"

"Oh wonderful. I wonder what flavour Pedigree Chum pouch it will be this time? You really do spoil me with all this variation"

"The reason why I'm shaking is because I am sat in the bath soaked with water and covered in Johnson's baby shampoo. It's so unnatural…I feel betrayed"

"Oh yeah, folding one of my ears inside out is so funny…front page of the Evening News…One day it shall happen…"

(November 5, 1996 - 2007) "Oh my god!! The world is going to end!!! Why don't you humans understand? Do we have some kind of bunker?"

(New Year's Eve, 1996 - 2007, 23:59) "Oh no! It's happening again. Quick! Let's all hide under this table!...Don't laugh at me!!?…how you will be the foolish ones!"

"Security breach!!!! Security breach!!!!!!!"

"I don't have a clue what you just said, I'm a dog. The only words I am able to comprehend are to do with food, exercise and punishment."

(Following his degendering operation) "I despise all human life. You have violated me, taken all my dignity away. I will never forgive you for this! What was that? Dinner's ready?? Damn my short term memory!!!"

"If you piss me off any more, these playful bites will turn into a bone crushing grip involving my jaw and your forearm."

"We are not supposed to eat oranges, bananas or grapes! How many times? Mmmmmm sweeeet citrus"

(Referring to a squirrel) "Oh my god, if you even think of stealing that nut from within the perimeter!!! Don't even jump on that fence you vermin! Nooo! It's getting away!!!"

"Do you realise my sense of smell is 1000 times more powerful than a human…therefore it is hard to contain myself when a hot roast chicken is presented on the table. Oh my god. Do not chew on that chicken leg with first consulting me!"

"I am licking my paw. That's right it's been so long since I was washed that I am forced to conduct my own selective washing duties. Do not even pull my tail now. See these teeth?"

"Oh, don't mind about the presentation. Thaaat's right, just slop my food from the airtight pouch into my crusty bowl. Jesus, if I had useable hands instead of paws…mmmmm chicken chunks with gravy"

"Yes I am aware that most of this drinking water is spilling out the side of my cheeks onto the floor, and my noisy licking technique leaves a lot to be desired. Unfortunately, I am not able to purse my lips together and slurp water like you bastard humans. Stop mocking me you evil species!"

"Waaaait a minute. Did you utter the immortal word? Now don't taunt me with that lead or I will eat your human face!"

"Yes, I will drink this dirty soiled water from a plant pot in preference to the perfectly fresh water from my bowl. You humans will never understand my logic so there is no point discussing it further…"

"Oh my god, I am so hot. Curse my dense black fur! And no, I will no "lie in the shade"…stupid vertebrate life form."

"I will do exactly the opposite!"

"This is clearly human faeces and has nothing to do with me."

"This is clearly human vomit and has nothing to do with me."

"Nope, that urine is indeed mine. That's what you get when you lie in and neglect my needs."

(When in the proximity of chocolate) "Why can't I seem to resist this sweeeeeeeeeeeeet miiiiilllky poison…" (Now dribbling freely).

(When in the proximity of raw meat) "uuuuhhhh is that the holy grail before mine eyes?!"