So, I happen to be one of the world largest cat-lovers. No, just kidding. I hate common household cats.
I just want to say that there is a difference between a household cat and a rural cat. A rural cat does not belong to somebody in particular. She or he occasionally decides to give us humble humans a visit.
For example, there was a cat in the village I grew up in that was called dirty old bastard. Sometimes, the bastard just showed up, and you were expected to feed it. Well, and he showed up when your other cats were congregating to find a lady friend. We found out his area of living stretched over as far as 6 villages, 19 families who fed him and 50 square kilometers.
Now, the common household cat is something that I deeply despise. It does not clean itself regularly, it is over bred, and it lacks the elegance I learned to love in rural cats.
Now, at this point,it is a common knowledge that I do not write articles in that section just to brag about myself. No, my first goal is, as always, teach my fellow male geeks about the things in life that just happen.
For example, you came home, and a girl awaited you with the best of all cooked meals. Expert boyfriends get suspicious, if this is done for no particular reason at all. Most of you will not listen to the little blinking light in your head. So, you will proceed.
So, your girl gives you the sweetest of all back and belly rubs of all times, you two look each other in the eye, and you know that it is going to be frigging good.
Now, four hours later, after much nookie (And there was much rejoicing... (anyone who can place this quote kudos to you)), your girl cuddles up to your mighty body, pets your little soldier a bit, and just as you think you can take of into the sweet land of dreams, your girl turns around, and says:
By the way, my kitty needs bathing. He stinks, would you please?
I really hate such situations. But what the heck, I love to bath kitties.
See, in my village, dirty old bastard belonged to a nice old man with a PDP-11 in his garage, so I had to do stuff to help him. Which included bathing said bastard cat.
Well, as soon as the other kids heard from it, bets were made. So and so much if I would dare to do so, and survive it. Well, back in the day, it was over 400 bucks, which was quite a bit for me.
So, I prepared. I looked at the house, drew plans, and calculated a lot. Then, the bastard shat on my Amiga. For those of you not familiar with the craft, an Amiga was a very good and very expensive computer to replace, back in the days. With much more menace then I knew, I formulated a plan that would not only allow me revenge on the cat,but on my friends too who had laughed shamelessly on my misery.
So, in company of my friends, I approached the subject in two layers of dirty rotten clothes. He was just too willing after I had picked him up, mainly because I doused myself in Catnip-oil, and he was happily tripping away in my arms. So, I carried him over to the old mans house. Now, the old man, the sister of the old man, my friends, several other kids and even some adults were there.
So, I asked them to stay back, while the bastard was just having the weirdest of all visions, because he was purring like he was with some lady friend, yet he was digging his claws in my skin. So, I proceeded to the bathroom area, where a pot of fresh sour cream was waiting for him, and some more catnip.
Just for the layout: The bathroom was divided in three main areas. Area one: place to swing the door open. Area two, on the right side of area one: Shower with solid Plexiglas door. To the left: tiny toilet.
So, I came in, and a few things happened very fast thereafter:
- I threw the door close with my foot.
- I turned to the left.
- I dumped the stunned cat in the toilet.
- I closed both lids, and jumped on them to shut them.
- I flushed. Three times.
What the cat did not know was that I had something against his attempts to escape the toilet. The most nasty ass shampoo. Which I had filled in a super soaker, that was already pumped to full pressure volume, and which I repeatedly quirted though the space between the closed lids.
