Well listen up bucko, "cos I"m about to bring your cosy little world crashing down around you. Monkeys are highly sophisticated usurpers with an eye on the throne of civilization. They have an agenda.
Monkeys have better memories than humans
A recent study at Kyoto University has shown that monkeys are able to trounce humans in sophisticated memory tests. Admittedly the human test subjects were a group of college students, so not the stiffest opposition, but the performance of the "animal" was terrifying. Look at the nonchalance the cheeky faced scamp shows in the video as he simultaneously fingers the screen and scratches his butt, leaving the students weeping into their cider.
Memory is key to learning and learning leads to development. A monkey uses a stick to get honey from a bees nest - next time he remembers the stings and uses a longer stick; a monkey see's a spark fly from a flint rock and set fire to some dry grass - next time he sets the spark himself. This is just a matter of time folks, Man's red flower is being stolen from under our noses so you'd better start clearing out that antique rifle in your loft, its gonna come in handy. Worse still, this photographic memory means they'll remember you. Yes you. Remember that time you bared you're buttocks to the gorilla in the zoo? Well he does and he didn't like it chum.
Monkeys are already influencing human politics
In 2007 the Deputy Mayor of Delhi in India, SS Bajwa, was attacked and thrown from his balcony by a group of marauding Rhesus Monkeys. The official story is that he provoked the monkeys by trying to force them from his home. However, speculation is growing the monkeys decided to take a hand in Indian politics and dispose of Mr Bajwa, leaving the door open for a more pro-simian candidate to take his place. There are even rumours there that a draft document proposing the eviction of monkeys from the city was missing from his personal belongings after the attack, but I guess we'll never know the truth on this one. Not after the grinning furballs ate the evidence.
Meanwhile in Spain, apes have recently been granted human rights. The implications of this are devastating. Just think; our kind-hearted Spanish brothers and sisters have left themselves wide open to infiltration by monkey agents, who are certain to flood into the country, safe in the knowledge they are now above the law. This law means it is now illegal to perform clinical tests on monkeys in Spain, and in a perverse twist, as monkeys are not deemed capable of volunteering for trials, its seem that monkeys experimenting on humans in the near future is almost inevitable. Do we really want perfume sprayed in the eyes of helpless babies by braying gibbons?
Monkeys are tool and weapon users and ferocious fighters
In 2008 a monkey was captured on camera spear-fishing for the first time. But this is not the first time a monkey has been shown to be capable of using weaponry. Way back in 1700's monkeys fighting in the British dog pits were known to defend themselves with sticks, thrashing defenceless dogs to deth with their monkey grip techniques. More recently researchers in Senegal have witnessed chimps fashioning spears to hunt and kill bushbabies. Was this a trial run for an assault on a local village? I'll let you be the judge.
When you couple this love of weaponry with a killer instinct and a natural aptitude for violence you end up with a devastating fighting machine. Just look at
this footage of chimp doing kung-fu. He tosses a tenth-dan master around like a rag doll and he's only been studying for a few months. Imagine those lightening quick reactions on the wrong end of a sniper rifle and you'll start to build up a picture of the terrifying truth. If this impending war is not prevented, you, me and the rest of our foolishly complacent species will be wearing chain link collars and answering to the name "Ug".
Monkeys understand our technology and will use our infrastructure against us
Look at this shocking video of a baby chimp using the Tokyo underground system, cunningly disguised as a child out with his dog. The little trickster is able to use the complicated turnstiles, buy a ticket and ride a train to his destination, all the while maintaining control of his hound. The most shocking thing is that nobody stops him; in fact the whole thing seems to be regarded as some kind of joke.
The chimp's escapades may seem hilarious but there is a darker side to all of this, if a baby can use the train, what could a fully grown chimp do? Is it really beyond belief that it could wrest control of the train from the driver and send it on a death ride into a fireworks factory? Hardly; and this is only the beginning. Trains are the least of our worries, what if it was a petrol tanker? Or worse still a school bus full of children? Would you be laughing then? Would you? I know I wouldn't.
It would seem that Planet of the Apes was not a work of fiction but a terrifying vision of the future. How long before this becomes a reality? It's up to you. If we can appease them somehow, maybe by not destroying their homelands or chilling their brains to eat as a delicious dessert, or injecting them with diseases or feeding them bad dates, then maybe, just maybe, they will leave us to live in peace.
But probably not.
