A Mouse, a Webcam, a Microphone and a Birdie on my Shoulder

I have developed a love/hate relationship with technology these days. I love it when it works, and hate it when it doesn't. I have a Notebook computer, and a brand new one at that. Getting that thing all set up and functioning in all of its parts and programs all at once was a journey into aggravation city that I don't wish to ever take again. The only thing that functioned adequately about that computer from the very first was its power button. Once I got it turned on and set up, it needed some web browser software. Six installations later, I finally got the software to function, albeit reluctantly, on that computer.

The computer was purchased at the same time as a package of anti-virus software. This software installed into the computer on the first try, but required internet access in order to finish the installation. At that time, I was not yet able to get online with said computer because the software required to get online was not yet functioning. Finally I was able to get it to work and got online with it about once every four tries. Eventually I was able to use the software to get online every time I tried to, but only if the computer was feeling up to it at the time.

Now I absolutely love my Yahoo Messenger so that was the first thing I attempted to download from the internet. Attempted being the operative word there. Messenger absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, would not load into that computer. I would get the download process started and two hours later, it would suddenly stop of its own accord and give me error proclamations. Every day for nearly a week, I tried to download my Messenger. Every day it would go just a hair further before it shut down. Finally it went all the way, and I had my Yahoo Messenger back. Only trouble was, I did not know it at the time, because the computer, apparently angry with me, refused to show the little face icon that represents Messenger. I tried to download the program again, and a window popped up informing me that I already had it. Surprise, surprise. I finally found my little face icon where the stubborn computer had hidden it, and I was ready to go. No wonder they call it Yahoo.

Now we all know that laptops and notebook computers are all equipped with touch pads rather than a mouse. This is supposed to be a technological advancement, but in reality it is nothing more than a joke installed into your computer by underpaid, and overworked technicians on a tired old assembly line somewhere near the center of the solar system. Seriously, the touch pad is an evil creature. It is right there while you are typing, waiting for your wrist to accidentally brush against it, so that the page you are typing on will suddenly and without warning, go flying out of your range of view. The touch pad is always turned on, it cannot be deactivated, which is probably a good thing, because there is no external mouse that is wholly compatible with Windows Vista.

Sure, the mouse will install and it will function….at least once in a while. But it will be quirky for you, suddenly ceasing to function while you are right in the middle of some serious web surfing or type editing. Both are events that require the use of a mouse to a great extent. And of course, a laptop won't take just any old mouse…nope. It requires the more expensive mice, the fancy ones with the fancy price tags. Speaking as someone who is used to buying just any old bargain mouse for regular desktop computers, I tend to frown on spending a lot of money for a mouse…unless of course, the touch pad is driving me crazy, or the mouse in question happens to be red. Any other color and it just wouldn't be worth it.

Installing my webcam was fun too. Luckily, the software that came with it, was compatible with Vista, and it did install. I look decidedly goofy on cam but it is better than not having it as I have become a cam addict and refuse to do without it, especially when talking to people from distant lands, such as Georgia or Kentucky. I have to remember to turn a light on when I'm using the cam however, as I started to notice that the people I was talking to were all squinting a lot. Seems they were trying to find out just exactly what that shape was that was lurking there in the dark.

The microphone conversations are a trip as well, replete with the prerequisite microphone question, “what did you say?” It seems you have to listen well when using a microphone to converse. That requires concentration, which means, no web surfing or typed conversations on the side. You are there to talk and that's it. You may say that dialing the phone is easier, true, at least in some cases, but shoot. It is so much more fun to use a computer to do the same thing that people have been doing for decades with a telephone. Combine the microphone with a webcam and you have your entertainment for the day, watching another person wearing a headset and making funny faces as they are watching you do the same. It is really no wonder that webcam conversations are seldom unhappy ones.

Finally, no laptop experience is complete without a pet bird sitting on your shoulder, head, arm or hand, trying to “help” you with your computing. This bird really should be the type that doesn't like to be touched much, so if you so much as look as though you might touch, birdie will bite you…hard. Call it tough love if you will, but it will stand as a warning for you and your kind. This bird is not mere decoration however. It is there to be entertained by you. That is your duty. However, any attempt to entertain the bird on your part will be reviewed with revulsion and rejected with a bite.

The bird, of course, will soon be followed by the family cat, or cats as the case may be, and you will enjoy trying to type with a bird on your hand, and a cat on your keyboard. The cat will be followed by the family dog who likes cats enough in their place but does not like them when they are getting attention from you. So, now you have a bird on your head, (escaping from the cat on the keyboard) and a dog's sad and rejected face drooling on your leg. Now is a really good time for your mouse to cease functioning, your webcam to freeze up, and your microphone call to end abruptly in mid-sentence. But don't worry about it, because the touch pad still works, as you will notice when the cat swishes his tail across it and your work disappears from view. Just think…twenty years from now, you will look back on this moment and think to yourself, “ah, yes. The good old days…..may they never come again.”