Cell Phones, Winter Coats, and Other Objects for the More Talented Than I.

I'm a Northerner, and we native Northern folks are the original creators of the "layered look". That comes about because we know that although in the winter it might be as cold as Pluto in the morning, by three in the afternoon it could very well be as warm as the surface of the sun. So we go out of the house in the morning prepared for anything that might come our way. If that means wearing two coats, six pairs of socks, a hat and an umbrella, so be it. If we have a blizzard, a hurricane, a monsoon, or a balmy summer's day, we are ready.

That is, assuming that we Northerners are talented enough to actually dress ourselves to go out into the winter weather in the first place. Normally, this is not a problem for me, but on a recent shopping trip I was apparently having a bad brain day because when I got too warm in one store, and stripped off the top coat, and tossed it into my shopping cart, I somehow managed to turn it inside-out in the process. I did not know that at the time, because I was wrestling with a borrowed cell phone which was both ringing and vibrating simultaneously in my pocket, attracting the attention of every shopper in the store. Pockets are not normally a problem for me either, but when there is a tiny electronic device demanding my attention and the attention of everyone within earshot, I am usually in a hurry to shut it up. Naturally, the pocket fought me tooth and nail.

Never having owned a cell phone in my life, I was amazed that I managed to not hang up on the caller, who just happened to be the actual owner of the phone, although I discovered that I could not talk on the phone and walk at the same time. I will never again criticize anyone else whom I see walking along or driving along with a phone glued to their ear. I never knew just how much skill it takes to do that, until I tried it myself and discovered that I am precisely as maladroit as I thought I was. I also found out that I talk too loud when I am using a cell phone, and at least half my conversation is broad-cast throughout the store for the amusement or annoyance of others.

So, having put my coat back on inside-out, and having finished a rather touch and go cell phone conversation which included such profound thoughts as, "what? What did you say? ---No I can't hear you now...", I paid for my purchases and left the store. I entered the biting wind, thoroughly glad that I had two coats on, spent ten minutes out in the wind, searching for my lost vehicle which I swear someone moves on me when I'm not looking, and finally driving it to the next store where some absolute essentials (that I could not live without) were on sale. I walked into that store, and spent a good twenty minutes walking around in there with my coat on backwards before I finally discovered that the black linings of my pockets were sticking out.

Needless to say, I did a quick change routine right there in the supermarket, well, it would have been a quick change anyway, if I were ambidextrous, which apparently I am not, because I could not get my arm in the proper sleeve, which was dangling down behind me just out of reach. I would bet that my image on the security cameras as I turned in circles trying to catch that elusive sleeve, was enough to thoroughly entertain the security guards wherever they lurk. They have probably knick-named me "Fido" because I looked as though I were chasing my own tail.

That cell phone also gave me a scare, because I didn't know how to turn it off, and probably wouldn't have been able to turn it back on again if I needed to, so I left it on while I visited the restroom. Nothing happened, thank goodness, but I was worried sick the whole time that someone would call me while I was using the toilet, or that it would fall into the bowl and I would have to reach in there and fish it out. Can you imagine how interesting a "potty" phone conversation would be? I'm sure it happens to people all the time but I was sure glad that it did not happen to me. If it had happened, you would have been able to see me coming a mile away from the flame-red blaze across my cheeks.

I was relieved to relinquish the cell phone back to its rightful owner and grateful to have my jacket back on right-side out, but I have learned a lesson from all this: I am not now, and apparently never have been talented enough to use, own or borrow a cell phone, plus, on a good day, I am only as stylish as my inside-out clothes will allow me to be. I guess I will stick with good old reliable Goodwill fashions, and continue using my walkie-talkies if I need to communicate with someone within a six mile radius of my body. Walkie-talkies I can handle. I can even walk while talking, which is a plus on the talent-meter. I do not, after all, wish to be proclaimed the inventor of the "standie-talkie".

Some clothing manufacturers are brighter than others. The folks who make jackets, shirts, and even underwear reversible are best friends of mine. Do you think they make reversible clothing for the style conscious folks who want to have the same outfit in two different shades? No, they actually do it for the fashion confused such as myself, who are never completely certain that we have our shoes on the right feet, or socks that come within a mile's radius of matching one another. Reversible clothing is a necessity when you are not certain whether you are coming or going.

I understand that they now make the ultimate in redundancy for all of you "gadget addicts" out there. A cell phone that doubles as a coast-to-coast walkie talkie. Excuse me for not being able to figure out the point to such a device, but it would seem to me that if you already have a cell phone that can call from coast to coast, and you have to pay for the service anyway, what do you need a glorified walkie-talkie for? Is it just me, or does that seem just a little bit bizarre? It's bad enough that cell phones today are expected to do everything but wash your laundry for you, why do they have to have to be able to do the same thing two different ways? I think it's probably the brain child of a marketing genius who figured out that walkie-talkies have to be purchased in pairs and cell phones don't.

So, for those of you who are capable of walking the walk while talking the talk, I salute you.....and as for all of you fashion conscious folks out there....God bless you for knowing how to properly button your buttons and may your zippers always stay up. As for me, I'll have to settle for clothes that are at least clean. Too bad those cell phones don't do your laundry....they do everything else.