There is a vast conspiracy afoot in the world today. Good old Sherlock Holmes would be well pleased to have a mystery of such magnitude to solve. Where does this conspiracy lie? In Government? In capitalism? In the bottom of a box of Cheerios? No. It lies lurking and waiting in your computer. The plan is one of world-wide domination by machines and it’s goal is to drive you, the computer user, completely insane. Oh, I know what you’re thinking….there’s no conspiracy, there’s no such thing as dominant, people hating machines… and you know darn well that you of all people, are not crazy. That’s your story and you’re sticking to it.
Think about it though….when was the last time you logged into the internet and everything worked perfectly? Every site loaded quickly and efficiently, every page you visited showed itself clearly and pristinely. Every password you typed actually worked….the first time you typed it. When was the last time you did not get any spam on any particular day? Trust me, the machines are out to get you. It’s only a matter of time before our computers stop pretending to assist us altogether and we end up ripping our hair out by the roots over lost data. Oops, sorry, sometimes we already do.
It has been said that the internet was begun way back in 1969 when four computers in different parts of the world were connected and communicated together for the very first time. This explains a lot. It is possible that the original designers of the internet connection were flower children bent on overthrowing the establishment. Boy did they ever succeed. Not only has the whole world gone underground and out of sight, but they can no longer communicate in the long-established fashion.
“Hey U, I got 3 IM convos goin here. Roflol. Gonna rip off a quick email n go c who’s in chat. BBL, dude. is this cewel or wot? ttyl, bro.” I am quite certain that “bro” will be duly impressed by this announcement…especially if “bro” happens to be a girl.
Trust me when I say that this sort of transformation in only a few decade’s time, is a rather alarming one. It is a necessary one, however as it is virtually impossible to maintain three intelligent conversations at once. Three completely unintelligible ones on the other hand, are entirely possible, and definitely probable. It is very good to know that our education system is not going to waste.
Besides the dumbifying of the world’s peoples, the internet has brought about a whole new set of addictive substances….drugs such as chat rooms, discussion forums, IMs, and computer games, dozens of varieties of which exist. All of these things work together in creating a new super race of human being, known collectively as….the internet drone. IDs as I like to call them, do nothing but sit in front of their computers all day long, and live out their virtual lives, chatting with invisible people and seeing how many levels of any game with the word, ‘doom’ in its title, they can win. These people are all extremely pale with considerable vitamin D deficiencies. They do not know what sunshine is, and have no clue as to where it comes from. The only light they ever see is the glow coming from their monitors.
They do, however, have a firm understanding of the meaning of the word, ‘frustration’ because that is what they feel when they are trying to get into their favorite web site and it is at that moment shut down for maintenance. They also love it when their email shuts down while they are in the process of typing a long-winded reply about who wore what to the senior prom and who’s shoes clashed with their purse. The fact that the senior prom in question happened fifteen years ago, does not matter in the least. The most annoying thing of all, however, is when the electric company shuts off power to the IDs house because he does not have a job and cannot pay the bills. This is known as internet withdrawal, and it is usually lethal.
So help us out here, Sherlock. Give us some clue as to what is happening in our beloved “nether-world” that would give us some indication of what we can do to treat the dire illness known as Internet Droning. I know it could be a bit out of old Sher’s league, considering that he is only a fictional character dating back a little over a hundred years ago, but he could probably at least help the rest of us mere mortals figure out a clue or two….such as, which online banking site did junior put the family’s finances into, and what the heck is the password?
“No kidding around here, Junior!! No money in my wallet, no allowance for you, ever.” Yeah, that should work…Junior’s walking around with $100.00 shoes on his feet because he’s the only one who knows where your money is. Sherlock Holmes…we’ll ttyl, bro.
