There are many ways and reasons to hate bagels, first and foremost being that they're disgusting and they waste space on our precious Earth, and we then have to waste our time trying to do things to make them taste a little bit better, though it fails miserably. So bagels therefore waste our time, and wasted time is wasted money right? So it it not then logical to say that bagels are partially to blame for our economic crisis currently? Congress shouldn't be having a billion-dollar BAILout....rather, we should host a practically-free BURNout, where everyone burns the bagels and bagel factory. That would help us out.
Bagels need to be stopped because with their ugly, dull colorless features and terrible taste, bagels instill anger in the hearts of people everywhere. Bagels have been believed to aid in the cause of: World Wars I and II, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the Civil War, the start of mobs and mafias, and all the serial killers out there.
Basically, bagels are sources of evil and despicable anger. So, how can we properly hate them?
Set Bagels on Fire
That should serve the nasty things right. They're expecting to be toasted to a perfect toasty brown, but we'll show them!
Run Over Bagels with Your Car
It's well worth the money it would cost you in gas. Bagels with their tiny evil chewiness and ugly brown crisp will die underneath the wearing tread of your tire. For those of us who don't have cars and still want to properly hate bagels, either throw it into a highway or chuck it onto the ground harshly and stomp on it repeatedly.
Use Stale Bagels as Frizbees
This way you save money on real frizbees, this reversing the attempt that bagels have on ruining our economy. We've foiled your plans, dread bagels!
Wrap Bagels Up for Christmas... They're the New Fruitcake!
Give the bagel to someone you hate. They'll get the hint and hate you back....thus relationships are formed.
Keep Bagels from Our Young
I'm not sure if you folks have noticed....but bagels are extremly perverted. They have no place in our country...or even our world for that matter. Down with bagels! (Did you know that bagels were invented around the time of the baby boom? And I wonder why...)
Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself.
http://www.authspot.com/Poetry/Ode-to-Bagels.297049
Happy bagel hating! And remember, no matter how hectic your schedule is, there' s always time to hate bagels. They certainly find the time to hate you.
