I have two theories which have never been published before. Their quite controversial, but the empirical evidence to support them is tremendous.
First: Water is the leading cause of death! Think about it. Everyone who has ever lived, who has ever drunk water, has died. You, me, our children, we're all gonna die. It's too late for us. We have already drunk water. Wish I could have told you earlier, but I was drinking a beer which of course has water (This goes along with my other hypothesizes: Life Kills, Death Kills, and Asteroids Named Steve Kill, but this isn't the place for such conjectures.)
On a more relevant note, my second theory has to do with toddlers. I believe that they possess what every college student in America would love. At the tender age when they begin to walk, inside their little bodies, they have what I like to call: The Beer Gland.
Although the exact location of the Beer Gland is still a mystery, the proof that it exists has been staring all parents in the face. Think about it. Toddlers wobble back and forth. They fall down a lot. They puke on themselves. They can't drive worth a burrito in a snowstorm. Something must be impeding their motor skills. More proof comes from their reckless abandoned and limited inhibitions. How many times have you seen your kid walk around naked? In public? Girls gone wild, no. Toddlers gone drunk!! Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a toddler? They hardly can form a coherent sentence, and even then, they're still drooling all over the place! The Beer Gland. So obvious it's scary, huh?
Ok, so I'm not that smart, but what I am trying to illustrate is the quackery of present day knowledge over the long term. Back when I was a kid, the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the biggest baddest dinosaur on the block. Now, I know of a couple bigger meaner beasties (woman in labor not included). Of course, this was back when my parents didn't know it was a bad idea to smoke in the car with your kids but that's a whole different psychiatric appointment.. There is so much that has changed from what was once believe, from what I was taught, I find it disconcerting to teach the "Truth" about anything to my child. I'm a more "probably" and "maybe" type guy. Like, “Probably sitting with the lap top on my lap, doesn't mutate my children into drunken water drinkers.”
Although my Water and Beer Gland theories may sound silly, it's possible that in the future I may be vindicated. But I am sure I am doing something stupid with my kid that in hind site will make my other theories seem like hard science. Hmm, I wonder if naming my cat "This" and my dog "Who, will cause irreparable damage for my kid to understand "Who This?”
