Early fall is absolutely the best time of the year to be in Columbus. Our trees explode in a sea of bright oranges and yellows, and for a few fleeting weeks, we actually have pretty good weather. The campus at The Ohio State University springs back to life, bringing with it one of the great spectacles of American Sports, Buckeye Football (and more importantly, TBDBITL). Frisbees are flying again, the bands are playing, and life is good (at least until it gets cold, and the city becomes a barren, post-apocalyptic wasteland again).
But its not all marching bands and cornhole in the fall here. Tens of thousands of new freshman and unsuspecting transfer students means that the usual evil forces are out and about…trying to lure innocent students into their destructive life style…a lifestyle that will only lead to shame, tears, and regrets from their college years.
Frat guys? Well, them too I guess. ..but I’m really talking about the militant vegans here.
Sure, they seem innocent enough. At first glance, they’re just a bunch of environmentalists who happen to be passionate about beans and stuff right? Maybe they’ll chalk up the Oval with stupid anti-meat slogans, but they’re not actually *bad* right?
I felt that way too, back when I was a witless freshman at American University, but my dealings with the vegan community there quickly changed my mind. My second day in Washington DC, I was out strolling around embassy row, minding my own business, when I saw PETA basically causing an international incident outside of the Australian embassy. Because I try to keep this website (mostly) PG-13, I link to any pictures here, but lets just it involved individuals yelling and wearing nothing but veggies…and they weren’t exactly doing the world a public service by being that naked. Food from TDR was hard enough to eat as it is (mostly cause half the food was vegan bean crap)…but every so often, that mental image would come popping up…and that would be it for me.
But the madness of the vegan extremists didn’t end there…they actually snaked their way into actual student politics. Later that year, students became upset that the chickens used in TDR (the AU dining hall) were being “abused”. Petitions were circulated, demanding that AU only use “free range chickens”, despite the fact that doing so would cause an increase in costs (AU is over 40,000 a year). This movement attracted so much attention that USAToday did a little blip on it.
Thats when I lost it. I was in over my head money wise at American, the idea that throwing in an extra 700 (or more) bucks a year so my chicken tenders could have ipods and massages boggled my mind. Plus, Karl Rove lived a few blocks from campus. The CIA was running secret torture camps in eastern Europe. FEMA failed New Orleans, and oh yeah, our University President stole over $500,000, further making our school a national laughingstock (I went to this protest btw)…AND WE’RE PROTESTING CHICKEN’S RIGHTS??!!?!
Look. You won’t find a bigger advocate for youth political activism. I think its critical. But…seriously. Talk about misplaced priorities. And who is to blame? The vegans. Who knows? If we weren’t distracted by chicken nuggets, maybe we’d be out of Iraq….or maybe we could have shaken up the administration enough to find a way to get me enough money to stay at AU.
But that was a long time ago, in our nation’s Center For Misplaced Political Energy. Surely things have changed? Their assult may be on a smaller scale here at Ohio State, but left unchecked, the consequences could be huge.
They’re starting to hit campus common spaces in full force, throwing up posters and chalkings with stupid slogans like “WOULD YOU EAT A DOG? NO??? THEN WHY EAT A COW??”. I think the entire Philosophy department just cringed there. MEAT IS MURDER AND CRUEL, CHICKS DIG GUYS WHO ONLY EAT CARROTS, blah blah.
Okay, you wanna talk about cruel? Lemme tell you a joke. What did the downtown say to the roomful of vegans? give up?
Nothing. The vegans farted so much that I DIED.
I hate to break it to you guys, but if you eat nothing but hummus and assorted bean spreads for a long enough time, that cute girl sitting next to you in Earth Sciences is going to notice. She isn’t going to notice how ecologically conscious you are…she’s going to notice you smell like you’re wearing Sex Panther.
All kidding aside, I’d like to remind my meat protesting…er..fellow citizens, that there are better ways to get involved right now. In case you forgot, we’re about to elect a new leader of the free world, and Ohio tends to be a pretty important state. We also live in a very competitive US House district. Maybe those 3 phone calls you could have made while you were ranging against the evils of Cow Milk could have decided the election.
Think about that, then put down the chalk, put some clothes on, grab a turkey sandwich, and get to work.
