Dear Mr Whiner,
Today I received your letter of complaint.
As you point out, the company is run extremely badly. Due to this fact I have a lot of complaint letters to answer so I hope you will excuse the three month delay in writing this response.
I'm afraid I cannot comply with your demand to sack the member of staff who you say was so rude to you, for the following reasons:
1. We never sack our staff .It is very hard to get people to work for the appalling wages we pay so we have to keep any staff we get, no matter how terrible they are. I am sure you will realize that if we sacked anyone who was rude to a customer, we would soon have no staff left.
2. I have no idea who the "scruffy girl with dirty fingernails and no manners" you describe was. I am the manager and extremely important so I do not need to speak to the staff. They all look the same to me. She has probably gone by now, anyway. They don't seem to stay for very long.
Nor can I supply you with a refund. You ate the food, you have to pay, and being sick all night afterwards is no excuse. If anything I should bill you for having tasted it twice. It is our policy not to refund money, as this affects our profit margins and makes people from head office ask awkward questions. If you would like to contact head office, it will make no difference at all, as they will just forward the letter to me, I will deny all knowledge, and they will soon forget all about you.
I apologize for the damage to your suit. However you must appreciate that it was partly your own fault the waitress tipped the trifle on you. I think you alarmed her by shouting when you saw the rats under the table. In the future I would advise you to keep quiet. We do not expect our customers to come in here upsetting people.
Yours insincerely,
I Slacker (manager).
