Hello all of you various peoples! I'm baaaaaack! And certainly not by popular demand! How did I find within me the strength to drag out yet another completely pointless, yet mildly amusing piece of comedic dribble? The answer is coffee. Lots and lots of coffee, and little of an actual life. And now I have decided to turn my deadly wrath upon the one thing that we rarely think about, and yet is probably the biggest example of things in life that deserve detox programs; money!
I've finally figured out the number one economic constant in the universe, which is thus shown as the following equation; Hard Work Done - Money = Common Sense and Maturity. To break it into works, the more money you have that you have not earned yourself raises the levels of endorphins and reduces the levels of neurotransmitters in your body, which means you become a bit of an idiot, but you're still happy! The richer you are and less you work, the dumber you become! Take the average hard working guy. Usually mature, though not always completely stuffy, they have basic common sense when it comes to life in general, and they're reasonably down to earth. And there's the other end of the spectrum, though there are exceptions, but this spectrum is led proudly (and vacantly) by... that's right, you guessed it.
Paris Hilton.
It's not really her fault. After all, if I were given enough of an allowance per week to buy a car, then I'd be filled with the same amount of... well, filled is sort of an inappropriate word here, unless you're counting the various bits of lint that must be poking around in the noggin. And if she were born into a family that required the most basic lifting of the pinkie finger, then she would have at least the realization that, no, money does not grow on trees, and no, trees do not grow in cement. And yet, here we are, and there she is.
As I had been saying, Paris Hilton represents the true 100% drain on our resources with no real return, aside of course from the entertainment value that is gained from listening to her little squabbles with Nicole Richie (who, on the bright side, showed signs of being at least slightly more intelligent, though that might have just been a cold.) She has been voted worst actress, worst dog owner, was stupid enough to make a sex tape and then get all insulted when it inevitably got around, she has had the most ridiculous arguments with her former friend, again, Richie, and has made some comments that have shown an ego that possesses its own gravitational pull. On top of that, the show "The Simple Life" is just so ridiculous I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Alright, now that my five minutes of cynical whining is done, let me actually try to be a bit of a comedian, something I haven't done in awhile. Hmmmm... let's see...
Nope, got nothing. Back to the whining!
Ah, the power of bureaucracy is truly inspiring! What do I speak of, you ask? (Well, actually, if you're asking this, you really need to get out more.) There is a story in the paper speaking of a man and his family who planned to go to Florida for their vacation by plane. Now, when they were at the airport preparing to board, the man, though he was a frequent flier, realized that (*gasp*) he had forgotten to get his passport renewed. The result was that the wife, showing a great level of independence, went to Florida without him, fully expecting that she would not see him until they got back. But hark! The man, picking up the cell phone that is permanently grafted to the ears of half the population, dialled Passport Canada and begged for their aid! And guess what they did?!!?
They helped him.
An employee drove down to their airport, gave him the forms to fill in, drove the man to a photo shot to get a photo for the passport, drove him back to the airplane and got him on a plane less than 24 hours after the whole fiasco had begun!
Now I can imagine what you're saying. "Joel, the service there was excellent you deaf, dumb old coot! You're going senile in your old age!"
Silence, whippersnappers, for I have more to tell! my father and my mother recently went to Honduras for their anniversary, and my father sent in an application to get his passport renewed weeks ahead of time, along with the confirmation of a trustworthy voucher of honesty. And so the weeks passed by, and no passport was mailed. my dad finally got fed up and called Passport Canada, and was then promptly put on hold for nearly an hour. When he finally got through, he was told that the voucher of trustworthiness had not done any vouching. So my father called the man he had asked to vouch, and he was told that the man had indeed done vouching, vouching galore! So my dad called again, was put on hold again and when he told the employee that the voucher had vouched, thus filling his vouching responsibilities, the employee found that, oops, they had lost the forms my dad had sent in! And evidentially failed to call and inform due to an excessive need to be mysterious. So my dad had to fill in the forms and get the voucher to vouch again before they finally sent him the passport, with nary but a few days remaining before the trip.
So, let's see. A man is enough of a dingbat to completely forget to renew his passport and he gets the red carpet, express treatment, yet someone who sends in his stuff well ahead of time gets those files lost. Are we rewarding mistakes at the expense of those who don't make them? Maybe if I "accidentally" drop ink all over the prime minister's head (and don't think it hasn't crossed my mind,) I'll get a job on the cabinet!
Now to move on to the main event! Bush! Bush Bush Bush Bush! During one of his press conferences, one in which he half-heartedly tried to defend the twenty zillion incorrect decisions he made, he made it perfectly clear that no matter what, he would "leave the removal of American troops to the future president" despite rising protest to the war. And, when asked to explain the failure of his promised social security plan, he just replied; "It just didn't happen."
It just didn't happen? Wouldn't it be great if we could take the same approach to school without fear of reprisal? Simply fail to do our projects and homework and when asked about it just shrug and say "It didn"t happen.' And yet still pass the year despite earning the contempt of all the teachers? What's the point of impeachment when you can't use it on a man who gutted FEMA, gutted environmental laws, compromised basic human rights, led a war on knowledge which later proved to be severely flawed, and said so many stupid things they made a calendar full of them called "Bushisms?" It's like threatening detention without even actually giving it! (Which, again, would be wondrous.)
Alas, finished I am, and tired I be, with opinions more scattered than branches of tree.
I just rhymed.
Take it easy, folks! Later!
Sincerely
The Living Embodiment of Chaos and All Things Disorderly
