Are you lonely? Do you spend your days taking care of your many cats and wish upon a star they could talk? If they already do...this article is not for you, however, if you are still sane but just heartbreakingly lonely this intrepid journalist/writer/snarky know-it-all has just the answers you have been searching the internet for. Where else can you find the meaning for life but on the internet? Today's offering: how you (yes, even YOU) can make a new friend.
Buy ‘em.
I know from experience that friends aren't cheap; especially good ones. If you want quality, just be prepared to pay good money. If you don't have high expectations, you can get so-so friends for under $100, no-accounts for under $20 and back-stabbers for a mere $5.Create one.
The human imagination is a varied and strange place. Depending on the level of effort you want to put forth, your new friend can be a purple flying donkey or just a ghost. You decide!Go to a strange place and get drunk
Drunk people make friends faster than rich people. Everybody likes to be around a fun drunk! Loud drunk, pukey drunk, inappropriate drunk, disgusting drunk and weird drunk should be avoided because no one likes those guys.Try the "Wheel of Fate".
Randomly pick people to be friends with. Call people from the phone book - especially in the middle of the night. Most people will be your friend if you promise never to call back at that ungodly hour.Have a party.
Just because you don't have friends doesn't mean no one will show up to a party. Just pepper your neighborhood with flyers advertising a party with free food and drinks. Trust me, the people will come.Make an impassioned YouTube plea.
You've heard of "fameballing"? Why not "friendball"? The more passionate, needy and strange your video plea for friends is, the more likely you'll receive heartfelt responses from people who will really care about you. If Chris Crocker can do it, why can't you?Get Virtual
If you have no success with people that are flesh and blood, why not get some that are pixelated? Many sites offers the painfully shy, awkward, virginal 35 year old introvert the opportunity to be the master of his domain:Second Life or SmallWorlds.
I know there must be other sites, but I've been to busy with my real friends to google them.Become religious.
Churches have historically looked for lonely, unguided, and simple people to fill their pews and donate to the church building fund. Under the umbrella of Christian love, you'll find all the friends you need. Even if they reject you for being too weird (remember David Koresch?), you'll still have Jesus.Mothers make the best friends.
Your mom always told you that no one will ever love you as much as she does. She was right!Make comments on articles that deride the author.
Join a growing community of people who like to diss writers they never met by leaving nasty comments about their work. One of the most popular is that the writer has a fat ass.
