Many of us drive in this world. We go to pick up kids from school, or practice. We go to work and back home. We go to ball games. We drive on large interstates. We go through back alleys. And some of us even joy ride (however these numbers are falling due to high gas prices). All drivers are into the routine habit of, starting the car, backing it up, and drive. We make hundreds of turns a week. We remember almost every street name and know were it is. We are very familiar with our cars. But one thing you may not now is that cars are alive!!!Now you're probably saying, “what a load of bs!!”. But don't you click the little red x at the top of your screen so quickly! We're just getting started!
Anatomy of the Car
Before we began, let me tell you about the different parts of the car and how they function like human body parts.
- Eyes = headlights. The headlights are in the front of the car and help it see.
- Nose = grill. The grill acts as a nose and can help the car smell gasoline from 5 miles away.
- Ears = side mirrors. The ears let the car hear for the call of other.
- Legs = wheels. The wheels are what helps the car move.
- Mouth* = gas cap. This allows the car to eat gas.
*The car's mouth is located on the outside of the car, but it speaks form the radio.
The car does not have hands although it can some times use it's front tires to move things.
The brain is located in the hood. This is the engine. Without proper food (gas) the engine cant work and the car will hibernate.
The stomach is the gas tank. This allows the car to fill up on food and drive for a period of time.
The heart is the car battery. Without this, the car is useless.
This is just an overview. We'll discuss more later.
10 Ways to Protect Yourself If Your Car Takes Over
Now this is the real thing! What do you do if your car decides he wants control?
Lets start it off with a scenario.
You're driving along a nice road over a nice, paved road, with a beautiful beach view.
Your favorite Bruce Springsteen song comes on the radio! Now you're enjoying a nice joy ride and singing along to “Born in the U.S.A”. You don't realize it, but you've come the nice road and unto an unpaved, gravel, poorly made, junk road. Pieces of rock are flying at your Subaru's face, but you keep on singing. As soon as the second verse is about to began, only static is heard. You think you've only lost signal and go to pop in your c.d.
All of the sudden you here a startling, “IT”S MY TURN!!!!!” You drop the c.d. and the steering wheel locks in place. OH NO! Your car is now in control! But if you follow these steps, you'll be alright!
- Don't panic! The car WILL NOT HURT YOU. The car isn't going to drive off a cliff or smash you against a wall because that will hurt him too. Just sit back and try to panic.
- Turn your radio to 109.6. Now we all know that that isn't a radio station. Its actually how cars communicate. When you want to tell him something, simply hold down the preset 5 button. Remember, cars can tell if you're scared so try to sound like you've been through this before. Then ask the car why he's doing this. Some cars are mad or just like to mess with you. If you act mad then they'll probably ignore you.
- Put your seatbelt on…Tight! Cars love watching you suffer, it's a proven fact. They'll speed up really fast…then come to a rubber burning stop so you hit your head on the dashboard or steering wheel. Make sure you have your seatbelt on WITH the shoulder strap and that its very tight.
- Cruise control CAN save your life. Cruise control is very important when it comes to controlling cars. It can lock them at a certain speed making them board and giving up. But it's not as easy as pressing a button this time! These are the 3 steps you need to complete. 1. Put the car in neutral. This WILL NOT stop the car. It just keeps I from controlling certain things in the car. 2. Turn on the windshield wipers. This agitates the car and will distract him. 3. Press the cruise control. The cruise control will lock in 30 seconds and the car can't unlock it easily. This will not last for long though.
- Roll down the windows. If the windows haven't been locked by the car, then you still have a chance. Roll all four (or 2) windows down as this will put stress on the car. He MIGHT tire out fast and give up, although this method isn't 100%.
- Let "em roll! If you were joy riding and have no place to be, all you have to do is let him run out of gas! It"s as easy as that, BUT if he stops miles away from a gas station, then you're in trouble! This method isn't preferred.
- Calling the Po-Po is a no-no!! DO NOT CALL THE POLICE. Cars love challenges, and outwitting the police is the hardest thing for a car to do. They'll try to outrun them because all the other cars will think its cool. And after the police get ya, you'll have a high price to pay my friend.
- Don't fight the car. Don't throw punches at the car. You'll look stupid and this is pointless. The car will just laugh and unleash the airbag into your face…Not Fun!!!
- HELP!! You can always try to scare the car! This only works if the car is just messing with you and is not mad. Unbuckle your seatbelt and pretend you're trying to escape. Stick half your body out the window and cry for help. The car will get scared and pull over or give you control back. If he does pull over, DO NOT lever your car!!! He will run away and find a new owner.
- Number one way. This is the best and most used way to get control back is also the most difficult. First you must open your trunk and all your windows. If your in a convertible, take the roof off. Next, take the keys out of the ignition*. Turn your radio off and turn on every light you have. Put the seats back ALL THE WAY. Now the car is paying attention to you. He's thinking that your trying to do something so he better watch. Pull out the oink slip!!!! Wave it out the window….SCREECH!!!!!!!!!! The car comes to complete submission because he knows this; A car without a pink slip is like a dog without his leash. If the authorities catch him, he will be impounded and possibly crushed in a junk yard. This is the best route to go.
*The keys can not be turned while the car has control; they can only be taken out.
Tips on Healthy Living
- Make sure you give your car the gas he needs. If you don't he will become cranky and mad and might not start sometimes.
- Regular washes are a must! Keep him clean and shiny!
- Avoid bumpy roads. I'm sure you wouldn't want walk on gravel bare footed.
- Watch out for scratches and nicks. This will lower the car's self-esteem.
I hope you enjoyed this guide on how to take control of your car. Make sure you take good care of him because this will make him submissive and also lessen the chance of this happening.
