20 Uses for a Freshman

So, you're walking around campus and you notice the increasingly large amount of freshmen. Well, they seem to take up a lot of space and don't really do anything do they? It is the point of this guide to show you what good these freshmen are for. Once you're finished reading, you'll be amazed at just how not-useless that dorky new waste of space can be!

Welcome to 20 Things You Can Do with a Freshman. This Guide will be divided up into sections for your ease of use.

Section 1: Transportation and Travel

1. Horseback Riding

   This one is simple and a good place to start out. Sometimes you get tired of walking all around your college (or high school) and feel like you need to get somewhere with a little more ease. Well, not everyone can afford a bike (and at high school they're usually not allowed). So what do you do? Simple, find a freshmen (preferably one of good size and build that won't just give out on you) and saddle up! You'd be amazed at how comfortable travel is on the back of a freshman. Plus, they can go for really long amounts of time without rest! It's not like they have anything better to do. Classes? Pfft.

2. Pack Muling

   This kind of goes with number one. Sometimes you just have a large load of weight and it's a burden for you to carry around. So what do you do? Grab a freshman and instead of saddling them, tie them down with all your books and things! No backpack? No problem! It's not like it will offend the freshman - they're better than the mules of the Grand Canyon in this case. Plus, you won't have to deal with the smell of a mule - though freshmen aren't always the cleanest, so choose wisely.

3. Water Crossing

   Now, I know this one from experience. On my college campus, if a good storm rolls in, it floods several walkways and essentially creates a river across campus that is a pain-in-the-butt to get across. Well, in this case, just grab a freshman! Did you know that 97% of freshmen float, even with weight added on them? Grab one and go kayaking, or grab several and tie them together so you can create a raft! Once you do that, you can charge people money to cross those large streams on your campus. Not on campus? Do the same out in the wild! I have a friend who went white-water rafting with about ten of the freshmen from his school and they floated great! Even when banging into those sharp rocks, never busted a hole.

4. Sledding

   Sometimes a bad snow storm can happen, or perhaps you're just in an area where it's snowy almost all the time anyway. Well, dogs can be expensive and difficult to train (damn that intelligence!) but freshmen are the ultimate answer. Just grab a sled (or use our technique in #3 but to just fashion a sled out of freshmen instead of a raft) and then tie up about 6-to-8 freshmen to the front (Note: you should probably pick from the freshmen that hang out around your track or gym, the faster ones). Just crack a whip and give a “mush!” and they'll shoot off into the snowy wilds. What happens if one gets frostbitten or dies of hypothermia? Just find another one - there's probably plenty around campus.

5. Flying

   Now I know you're probably sitting there saying “Kegan, there's no way a freshman can fly!” and you would be right, but I don't mean flying exactly. What I mean is more like… gliding. Just find a few freshmen and fashion them into the shape of a hang-glider and attach a lightweight metal bar that you can hold onto (or just use some of the freshman's arms or legs if they're close enough) and just leap off the top of that tall building or cliff. You'll be amazed at the distance you can get, even on a nearly windless day. The freshman was designed for the ultimate in short term flight travel.

Section 2: Survival

1. Shelter

   The freshmen can provide the ultimate shelter if you're stranded in the woods, on an island, or wherever. Just grab several of them and, with a little creativity and elbow grease, you can have a working lean-to or brush lodge! The durability of the freshman allows for the ultimate in elemental protection so there'll be no rain or wind getting to you (Note: face them outward so that they don't watch you while you sleep… it can get kind of creepy).

2. Hunting

   You'd be amazed at how well you can use freshmen for the art of food gathering. In particular hunting! Now, you have several options so I'll leave it open to you, but the main two I'd like to cover are fishing and bait. You know in the movies you see some person fashion a spear out of a stick and a rock. Well, forget that because we have a freshman! Just pick out a lightweight one, thin and aerodynamic (usually either a girl or a nerdy guy) and just go to the river (or sea bay, just wherever you happen to be) and be patient. Take aim when you see the fish and let that freshman fly! When you retrieve the freshman you'll find the fish in their mouth. As for the other option, baiting, this one is simple. Get your freshman-spear ready, and put out another freshman to bait a bear or something else that would be tempted to eat them. When the animal approaches, throw your spear! That weight plus the immense density of your average freshman will knock that animal out or hopefully kill it.

3. Protection

   Now, what happens if some animal is after you? Well, it simple. Once again there are many options but I will only cover two. The first is baiting. It is similar to the idea of baiting in hunting but this time, you just leave the freshman for the animal! Getting chased by a lion? No problem, just chunk a freshman at them and they'll be happy. The other option is simply scaring them. Find a good gothic freshman, one that looks just really creepy and have them stand guard over you. When that curious bear comes up to sniff you, they'll be frightened off by the chains and odd looks of the gothic kid!

4. Food

   What if you're faced with the scenario that you're stuck in a desert with no source of food? The freshman makes great for rationing. Just snap one's neck and let them dry out in the sun - they'll make great jerky. The durability of the freshman means that they'll have plenty of nutrients in their meat so you'll be replenished with each bite. Maybe you have a fire on a deserted island? Just roast one in the pit - they're even better when cooked! You'll never go hungry. When you're done, use those bones for tools! The average skull can be hollowed out to hold water.

5. Signaling

   This is one of those multitasker situations. Say you're trying to send smoke signals and you don't have anything to beat your fire with. Well, just grab a lightweight freshman (or the skin of one if you used one for food) and whip them around like you would a blanket fanning a signal fire. Another option would be to have them send out a signal beacon - sound in this case. Just walk up to a freshman and tell them they lost their funding (if they're in college) or they're not getting accepted into their school (if still in high school). They'll yell and cry for days, sounds loud enough to attract any human attention if nearby (Note: this may also attract the attention of any wild animals, so refer to the protection tip listed above!).