Why you might ask would anyone write about mowing the lawn? Cause it needs to be done and I'm the guy to do it having possession of a third acre lot and a 21 inch Toro. Needless to say, I've spent a lot of time grooming this parcel. I have retained many tricks and secrets from my adventures and just might be able to make this chore a little more pleasurable and satisfying. OK! Maybe not. But if I can get one smile, from one person, while mowing their lawn after reading this it will all be worth it. OK. OK. Maybe not on that too. For Me, having to manicure this larger than normal yard meant the only way to motivate myself to consistently perform this boring, monotonous task was to make some kind of challenge out of it. So I decided I was going to be the best lawn guy in the neighborhood. People would be in ‘Shock and Awl' as my shirtless body, drenched in sweat and my headband constructed of strips of cloth from old t-shirts, maneuvered that 6 horse Toro like a seasoned matador. I would be better than the lawn boy. Better than the guy across the street. Better than the guy next door. Even better than the " mow, blow, and go" guys.( I'm already better than the neighbors cause they PAY the "mow, blow, and go" guys to do theirs)! So. Let me share some tips with you that may make your next lawn mowing experience, truly, an experience you'll soon not forget. OK! Maybe not.
Most of us don't have the equipment we want nor all the equipment we need. We learn to make do with what we have which is one of the reasons we tend to dread doing the lawn. Look . If your wife asked you to go to the store and pick up some milk in the families' 1990 Taurus station wagon you're gonna piss and moan for at least 30 seconds before you reluctantly concede your position. But if she tells you to take her 2008 ZO6 Vette, You'll go as many times as she wants and even try to make up reasons to go! So get the equipment you WANT if at all possible. Also, get as much as possible. The more, the better! There is nothing more frustrating than trying to trim a palm tree on a step ladder with a steak knife. A little tip here. When doing something of this nature, make sure the wife sees you. You'll take a lot of heat for the screwed up steak knife ( and a lot of "Now I know where they're all going"), but it will be worth the leverage when it comes to bartering for a pruning saw!
You need to be careful out there! Lots of things can go wrong! Stay cool. I know its hard to do in 90 degree weather, but be aware of how you feel. Take breaks if needed. You don't have to get it done as soon as possible. Hell, you don't' even have to get it done in one day! Make a weekend of it if you don't have anything to do. Another tip here. If your wife sees you don't have nothing to do, she'll impulsively drum up a ‘Honey Do' list and and then you‘ll have lots to do. So stretch it out a little. Look out for biting insects and poisonous plants. If you're dressed properly you won't have a shirt on, ( Yes! Woman too!), and you wouldn't want to appear to have more than 2 nipples. ALWAYS keep control of your mower. It can be embarrassing and quite dangerous to loose control, especially if it's not self propelled. Always wear SHOES and SOCKS when weed eating. Do not try this task with your favorite flip flops! Just trust me on this one. Stay focused. Neighbors and wives can be distracting. Should they try to interrupt your progress, pretend the mowers to loud to hear them. If you see they have a beer, ignore this suggestion. I mean, would you rather mow the lawn or drink a beer? This should be a no brainer. If you have to think about this you're way to serious to get anything out of this guide. Tip: If you don't like beer this tip can apply to ice tea as well.
Try using different mowing patterns to get different effects. You can lower the mower,( Hey! That rhymes!)on one side to give a more definite mowing line. They better be straight though. When mowing your line, try focusing on an object or clump of grass an the end of your line and not on the edge of the mower or the previous line. Your lines should be straighter this way. If this does not work, you probably need a beer. Get one and try again. If this doesn't help, get another one and lets go with a curvy look. Work in sections and mix them up from week to week. Boxes and rectangles work best. Make a perimeter and work your way in. I tried circles but if no one knows what your doing you'll look like a frickin idiot ,which can cost you some free beers in the future. Be Smart! Always edge, weed eat, then mow, then blow, in THAT ORDER. Never! Never! Blow first. Just trust me on this one! Don't gas up before you start. Instead of trying to finish before you run out, see if you can run out before you finish. Go ahead and do your neighbors lawn. Not to be nice, but to screw with his head. To increase the effectiveness, deny you did it, even if he watched you do it! Or even, ask to borrow his mower to mow your lawn and when your finish, mow his with yours!
Don't let your wife help with the landscaping except in flower beds or gardens. You don't want any obstacle to interfere with your lines and you know if she can, she's going to plant that little bush or bushes right in your line! Tell her the lawn is yours and the rest is hers. Just say whoever does the lawn, has to mow the lawn. You will have no argument here. If you have a good wife, she will leave you alone and not disturb you while you mow. That's a good sign of a good wife. Don't have a wife? Well , most likely you don't have a lawn either. So read one of my other books! Do not mow in the rain! It clogs up the mower and is hard on your equipment. BUT WAIT! This might be effective in the screwing with your neighbor game. Especially mowing in the rain at night! Never mind! Do not mow at night! Again, unless your screwing with your neighbors head! You can duct tape a Maglite to the handle bar and get a whole bunch of neighbors in one night! Kerosene is not a very good substitute for Gasoline. You're just gonna have to trust me on this one too! If you catch some one letting there dog crap in your yard, find out where they live and go crap
in their yard! Yeah! You! Your getting a reputation now. They will fear you! Thank you if you've made it this far in my little book, 21 INCHES AT A TIME! I hope it brought a smile to your face and the next time you mow your lawn, SMILE!
