Comical list of various things people do while out at dinner that could be seen as annoying.
Take forever to answer their blaring cell phone
Talk loudly on the phone at the table
Make sexist/sex jokes that leaves everyone uneasy
Make a philosophical toast when people just want to start eating
Continue being philosophical throughout dinner
Speak like a baby to the baby sitting next to them (i.e. *High voice* “Does baby want some peas?” *Higher voice* “Hmmm? You want some PEAS??????”)
Finally say something, after being quiet the whole night, but end up mumbling it, so no one even hears you
Take forever to order, causing everyone to wait for you to decide soup or salad
Wear a Bluetooth and constantly answer it, causing people to think you're talking to yourself
Wear the napkin like a bib (Okay if you're a baby, and okay if you're above 75)
Fake a smile through the whole night
Fake, over-the-top laughter (i.e. Person A: “So that's when I said to her, "I told you that would happen!"” Person B: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”)
Talk about useless personal stories (i.e. “I found Jessie's lost marble behind the couch while vacuuming yesterday, you know that beautiful red and black one that he used to always play with when he was a little baby, and when we lost it, he just cried and cried and I couldn't even replace it with another marble because he just wanted his old one, and now that we found it, it just brings back so many memories, even if he doesn't play with it anymore, since he's 43 years old now but it doesn't matter, what matters is that we still have it for him to put in his old marble collection, oh my I don't even remember if he still has that marble collection…”)
Nod enthusiastically at a useless personal story
Make conversational remarks at a useless personal story, (i.e. “Oh my, really??? That very marble???”)
Sing a song when no one asked you to, because you think you have a good voice
Sing a song when someone asked you to, very enthusiastically because you think you have a good voice
Sing. Period.
Be snotty about the food (i.e. “Like, o.m.g, my personal chef makes better filet mignon than this…like what the hell? Ugh, I'm not even going to touch this. Ugh. That's what I get for coming to a cheap restaurant. O.m.g, like, ugh.”
Nag at your daughter to make conversation when the table is all quiet (i.e. *cricket, cricket* Mom: “Jessie, put a sweater on…that shirt is a bit low.” *Everyone stares to agree/disagree*)
Think you're being conversational with the waitress (i.e. “Haven't I seen you in that movie, “Lesbians in space”? *winks*)
Sulk because you hate this restaurant
Sulk because you hate your family
Sulk because you're emo and the time spent at the dinner party is cutting (pun!) into your time to slit your wrists
Have conversation drag on, because no one wants to call for the check (i.e “Yeahhh, yeahhh, hahahaha, that's a good one… um…. so, um.. what ELSE is new? Huh? Anything? Anything at all?)
Compare checks to see who bought the most/least
Brag about leaving the biggest tip, when it's only because you bought the most champagne
Leave the restaurant, but have a 3-hour conversation outside the restaurant over things you already talked about inside the restaurant
Run and give everybody a hug and cling on to everyone like you need their body heat to survive
Plan another day to have dinner again, because it was just too much fun.
