I had a cell phone, but I wanted something smaller. So now I've got a cell nucleus phone. I'm going to get a chromosome phone as soon as they're out.
I'd like to have a cell phone that allows me to communicate with the dead. “Hang on I've got a call coming in. Hello? Grandma? I gave that shirt to the Salvation Army. Sure I like polka dots but the shirt was 27 years old. Yes, I still have the quilt with the lion making an antelope kill. Yes, I'm still an atheist and yes you've told me what happens to them when they die, but I think you're making that up about having to eat snicker doodles full of maggots. And yes, you made the best snicker doodles ever. Gotta go. Bye.”
Did you know there's a large knife called a snickersnee? The word comes from “snick or snee” - cut-and-thrust knife fighting. Imagine you're in Paris, you wander down a dark alley - who knows why - and you're confronted by a junkie in need of his snicker doodle fix.
“Hand over the snicker doodles or I'll snick your snee with my snickersnee!”
“Well, first of all I haven't got any snicker doodles, and if I had I wouldn't give them to you. And secondly, I had my snee snicked as an infant so I won't be needing that, thank you very much.”
But he rudely persists and forces you to pull out your Swiss army knife to defend yourself.
“Hang on there, will you, while I get the blade out. It's one of these. Let's see, scissors, nail file, cork screw - need a bottle of wine opened? No? I just thought that since you're French, and - O.k. just a sec, screw driver, can opener, tweezers, tooth pick, laser pointer, cell phone - care to call my Grandmother? - ah, I know it's here somewhere, yard stick, or meter stick, since we're in Europe, right? - and, uh, toothbrush, hairbrush, cat-nip-filled kitty toy - my cat loves this one, a little fish, see? - power drill, toaster, jumper cables, leaf blower, mountain bike, ah! Here it is, the blade. En garde! Wait, where'd he go? Ah! I'm bleeding! I've been stuck in the . . .”
