I'm not an astrologer, but I did stay in an Econo Lodge last night. So, if you want to know what your future may hold, I might be able to tell you with some degree of accuracy, at least as much as any actual astrologer. And the beauty of my forecast it that it will apply on whatever day you read it. But once read, the forecast will self destruct, so only read it when you really need to know what the day will be like.
ARIES (March 21 - April 19): Lady Luck could be smiling on you today. You might win the lottery or the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. But then again, Lady Luck may actually be smiling on the doofus with twenty-one items who is standing in front of you in the "twelve-items-or-less" line at the grocery store. If he is allowed to stay in line, you lose, so you might consider suing the store for ignoring it's own policy. You might win after all.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20): Your charm will rule your actions today. Take advantage of your ability to attract members of the opposite sex. Comb your hair, skip the garlic bread at breakfast, lunch and dinner, and stop belching after each drink of beer. Practice saying, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): You are vulnerable today. Your ability to make intelligent, or even semi-intelligent decisions, will be lacking, but this shouldn't come as a surprise. Beware of Taurus people who come up to you and ask "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Beware of ANYONE who still says, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Libras will ignore you all day for no apparent reason.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Emphasis on education. You will be called to school when your vegan daughter starts a food fight in the cafeteria after finding a meatball in her salad. After soundly thumping the football player who put the meatball in her salad, the football coach who was on lunch duty will ask her to join the team as a linebacker. Emphasis on sports.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Be positive. Be true to your word. Say what you mean. Keep your promises. Avoid running for the Presidency of the United States of America, because the stress of being positive, being true to your word, saying what you mean, and keeping your promises will be way too much to bear.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): You will be facing a good news/bad news scenario. The good news is that you will get an unexpected sum of money. The bad news is that it will be your severance pay. Scorpio will play a role and Cancer will not. Aries people could play a key role, but they all consciously choose not too.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): You will ignore Gemini people for no apparent reason. The diet you have faithfully followed for the last two months takes a turn for the worst when you realize you now qualify for being a participant on "The Biggest Loser." Capricorn people will play an active role, unless they find something better to do and they will.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): You will be invited to an elegant dinner party. Since you are fond of eating with your fingers, stay home and avoid making a fool of yourself. Someone will hack into your computer and steal your identity. Don't panic because they will immediately give it back. You should take this whole matter personally.
SAGITARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Lunar aspect coincides with fashion and style. Now is the time to start wearing clothes that match. Emphasis on personality and romance, but with your personality, you will have very little romance, but the matching clothes might help. Study Taurus message even though it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Actually, it has very little to do with Taurus people. They can be so gullible.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19):
Focus on budget matters. If you manage to balance your personal budget, call the President and Congress and tell them how you did it. If they don't understand what you did, take out a crayon and draw them a picture. That should help if you talk slowly and make big letters.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): This is no longer the Age of Aquarius. Get a life. You will exhibit sex appeal today. Go to work naked. Tonight features popularity and social activity. You'll be the center of attention, especially if you stay naked. Stay away from Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Virgo and Pisces people, as well as hungry lions. If staying away from hungry lions sounds like an idea you'd never thought of before, you probably are pretty stupid. Keep that in mind if you are applying for a job.
PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20): Focus on ability to enjoy work. Put a whoopee cushion on everyone's chair at the Board of Director's meeting and unscrew the top of the salt shaker when your company's most important client asks for the salt at lunch. People will think it is funny… the people you will soon meet in the unemployment line.
IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Success will follow you wherever you go, unless you decide to open your front door and go outside. If you do go outside, wear a disguise so the bill collectors, your ex-wife's lawyer, and the many other folks who don't like you won't recognize you. Actually, to be extra safe, just stay home…in bed…under the covers…lock the door…disconnect the phone…Happy Birthday.
