“The Ex-Girlfriend”
I've been happily married for fifteen years. Eight years to
this wife and seven to my first. (Just kidding, hon.) One of
the reasons my wife and I are so happy is her understanding
of my wacky sense of humor. Isn't that right, dear?
Where are you going with my pillow and blanket?
I feel at this time, fellow husbands, that I should warn you
about a situation that can only be defined as the most
horrendous and horrific scenario imaginable to the married
man. (Not counting the dream where you wake up next to
Richard Simmons.) I'm talking about running into your old
girlfriend while you are with your wife.
A series of emotions will run through your system,
predominantly, blacking out. However, if you follow these
simple rules, you, too, will be able to escape this chance
meeting unscathed.
Let's say you and your wife are shopping at the mall.
(Actually, men don't go to the mall to shop. They go for
the food court.) All of a sudden, coming in the opposite
direction, you see your ex-girlfriend.
First, don't try to hide the fact that she was a former
girlfriend. But, if you can duck behind a large, potted
plant before she sees you, do it. You can always come up
with some flimsy excuse to use on your wife as to why you
are skulking behind a large fern. (“Oh, I thought I saw a
dollar back there.”)
Next, always introduce your wife to your ex-girlfriend,
emphasizing the word “ex”, and try to avoid using such
terms as “former main-squeeze”, “cuddle-bunny”, or,
“love of my life.” Then, introduce your ex-girlfriend
to your wife. The pitfall to watch for here, guys, is
getting your wife's name right. (“I'd like you to meet my
wife Mary, uh, Jane, uh, Mary-Jane, uh, Elliot.”) NOTE:
If you've gotten to this point in the introduction, it is
highly advisable that you find the closest sharp object and
slash your wrists.
Keep in mind that as all three of you are standing there,
smiling stupidly at one another, you, the husband, are not
the only one experiencing all of these different emotions.
Your former girlfriend and wife are challenging their
imaginations. For instance, the girlfriend may be looking
over the situation and asking herself, “Why didn't I duck
behind that potted plant when I had the chance?” Or, she
may be looking at your wife and observing, “The poor woman.
I wonder if he's putting her through the same nightmare I
went through.”
Now your wife may be looking over your ex and asking, “Alright, she's attractive, but are those real?” Or, she
may be wondering, “Poor thing. I wonder if he put her
through the same nightmare I'm going through.”
The husband, being driven by his over-inflated ego, can only
ponder one scenario. “How can I get the two of them
involved in a romantic evening?” As enticing as this may
seem, guys, and even though it may contain the potential for
an entire column of its own, the key thing to remember here
is to end this conversation as quickly as possible. This
can be done in a number of ways:
- Fake a heart attack
- Remember that you left the water running in the tub
- Find the closest sharp object and slash your wrists
If the situation should develop that the two women involved
would like to have coffee or lunch together, under no
circumstances are you to leave them alone for a moment.
The thing to watch out for in this situation, men, is that
while you're having coffee or lunch with two beautiful
women, the male ego kicks into overdrive. Avoid
reminiscing. (“Remember the night we made love in the
linen closet at the Chicago Sheraton?”) Or, (“How about
the time we went skinny-dipping at that church fund
raiser?”)
Saying goodbye should be as brief as possible. No kiss.
However, if your ex leans in for one, no tongue. Also, when
parting company, as you and your wife head in one direction,
don't turn around to take one last look. This could be the
difference between watching a full or partial football
season.
So, guys, follow these simple rules and you may be sleeping
in your own bed again within a few, short weeks.
(Come on, honey, it was a joke.)
