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When all the juices "av dried up
And me youth "av a long time gone
When me face is grey and wrinkly
An' me womanly bits all hang wrong
I'll be wicked, devious and cunnin'
And trick me kids into taking me in.
Then is when I'll start a' workin'
On me private pay-back sting.
I'll deceive them into believin'
That I'm barely hangin on to me wits
And that when I look towards me belly
Instead of me navel ah see me -
(knitted mitts).
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I'll wet meself in all places public
And cover their table-tops with glue
I'll jump on all their furniture
And leave in the toilet, runny -
(sticky goo)
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I'll get them in trouble with the neighbours
By littering flower beds with grit
And right through the preacher's sermon
I'll be shoutin' out, “Oh -
(“Me back's playing up a bit”)
I'll get out me new pack o' Crayolla
And draw baby's pictures on the walls
When me and grandson are playing cricket
I'll hit him up the -
(wooden market stalls)
“Are we there yet?” I'll grumble and shout
And get myself dirty in the grass
Then scratch and kick the doctor
When she tries to dress the cut ah got on me -
(hand from me bus pass)
I'll insert little toys up me nostril
And bring old-lady friends home to play
And when the man from next door comes over
I'll shout, “Is he the one that's - ?”
(born in May?”)
I'll smear me wig with porridge
And refuse to take any rest
Wear mini skirts that show off me wrinkles
And point at the check-out lady's big -
(bird's nest)
If you are a fed-up parent
In my revenge you must take part
Coz a kid is nothing but trouble,
A spoilt brat and a smelly little -
(dear heart)
