Three people naked and on a bed-two women and one man. Well of course the cover caught my attention. This large book found its way to the fiction section between Memories of My Melancholy Whores and Strapped.
I know destiny when I see it
Three: The Art of the Ménage a Trois sat there like a victim in shock. A pervert discovered the Sexuality section, kidnapped and had his way with the innocent book, and then dumped it in another location to avoid a return trip to the crime scene. Oh please. Like you never did this before.
Shameless, I looked over the cover. A stud held his twosome tarts in post-colloidal bliss. He looked healthy, happy, and hung. Well, maybe the last one just hinted. And then I thought what a crock. I said crock-not the other word.
The real picture came to me. A hairy gut displayed between two pissed-looking women with a single sheet not able to cover breasts that drooped like dead men on the gallows. Honest, yes, but no fantasy. Save the money and buy yourself Vaseline. Let's discuss the four most common book covers and what they mean.
Half-Naked Man with Abs Fit Enough to Grate Cheese
Ah romance. These images grace more covers than Britney Spears's commando adventures in the tabloids. It means readers harden for Mr. Wonderful. If you have difficulty telling the straight covers from the gay ones, standing chest images mean straight and back and horizontal ones equal gay. Two men going at it explains itself. Either way, it sells sex.
Half-Naked Woman with Beach Ball Breasts
Magazine porn. Same rules apply to number one, but this time for straight men alone. Two women together still sell to the guys. Lesbians don't need magazines. They use other tools.
Dragons, Elves and Other Magical Entities
These books signal series. If you doubt it name one stand-alone, fantasy novel in recent years. Save the world plots look like all the other cows that graze the field. One catch-if the main character has off-color skin, strange eyes and pale hair, it stands out. Driz'zt Do'Urden from the Dark Elf series has black skin, purple eyes, and pale hair. Raistlin Majere from the Dragonlance series has gold skin, hourglass eyes, and pale hair. Elric of the Elric series has albino skin, pink eyes, and pale hair. Makes you think.
Teen Girls Looking Pissed
Young adult has come far, and then regressed back to the Age of Bitches. These covers mean you will read a waif's attempts to enter a clique, get slapped around for it, and plummet into angst. Throw a heartthrob boy in the mix and a geeky best friend, and let the bitch-fest commence. And we wonder what's wrong with kids today.
Most covers promise exactly what they display. You just have to know how to read into them. After I replace Three: The Art of the Ménage a Trois, I bought Memories of My Melancholy Whores. The cover displayed an older gentleman with a cheesy yet satisfied grin on his face. Yeah, I knew what I was getting.
