Shaving your everyday garden variety zoo animals and then mailing them to Joe public is not an easy job, however, the more you look at it, the more you become increasingly convinced that the monkey is the obvious choice.
A giraffe would be a two-man job and in a place like a zoo conspiracy is rife so keep your evil plans to yourselves. Gazelle's may seem like a fun thing to shave at the time but I must warn you all they must be caught first (you'll get tired and bored before they will).
When trying to shave a lion, albeit a tricky task, first you have to serenade it to sleep with a fiddle (having first learnt to play the fiddle). Secondly you have to then place the shaven lion into a mailable container, which can then be transferred to your local post office however, this can cause a lot of problems when the parcel arrives at the sorting office. There is however an upside to this, this instead of being mailed to any member of the public you can mail it to your arch nemesis or mother in law.
Warning to all readers! It is not possible to shave an elephant as they have very little hair and there is a high risk of you skinning it.
Monkeys are the easier of animals to catch and coax, as they are closer to humans than most other animals, they will respond better to other human contact than other mammal contact, although, I do suggest that a human of the opposite sex to the monkey does not try and perform the animal shaving act as they are quite sexually orientated and will try and hump you. A monkey can be coaxed in a variety of ways:
- A banana (may seem like the palpable choice but common sense isn't always evident in most people)
- A picture of a monkey of the opposite sex in an alluring pose. WARNING THIS COULD BE SEEN AS A “COME ON “SO MAKE SURE YOUR CARRYING YOUR TASER SET TO STUN (This may also make matters easier, if you stun the monkey then cage it but it may also backfire as the monkey may try and get it's own back)
- Tell the foresaid monkey you'll be its friend if it comes over to you and allows you to shave it
Catching a monkey to shave can be easily done without using any form of bribery. This is to electrocute the monkey using only a small voltage so as not to kill it. It is difficult to shock a monkey because of it's excellent conductive properties so you my always ensure that the monkey is wearing the correct grade Wellington boots. This procedure is extremely dangerous performed in the southern hemisphere, as (due to the reversed polarity) using this method you will in fact electrocute yourself, so in order to actually electrocute the monkey you must first shock yourself and/or persuade the monkey to shock thus delivering the required voltage to your selected monkey.
The monkey, however tricky, is the animal I would lean towards. The only real disadvantage to this is the fact that it may cause the distressed monkey to throw faecal matter at you in an angry fashion. The only thing I can suggest to counter act these aggressive advances is to learn to duck or even catch it and throw it back.
So as you can see it is tricky to choose an animal to shave, as cats and dogs would be too easy and goldfish are too slippery.
In conclusion, it is quite obvious that the monkey is the animal of choice when it comes to mailing shaven animals. It may however be one of the most smelliest of tasks as you will have to also clean up after it's tossed handfuls of excrement at you in protest of it's new summer coat.
Fat chance of ever working unless you speak monkey.
