Why Parents Find Doctors Baffling

Ever spend two hours in a doctor's office only to be told your children have "the crud"? Are they joking with us?

The Diagnosis

Both of my daughters are sick. Both have been seen by doctors -- I'm talking medical doctors, not witch doctors, voodoo priestesses, homeopathic Yankee Candle Shop doctors, nor stone-rubbing, crystal worshipping doctors. After numerous tests and physical examinations, both were diagnosed with "the crud." Now, being a layperson to the medical field, I assumed that "the crud" was short for some horrific virus or bacteria like crudilinius snottium. But it's not. It just means your daughter has a runny nose, a cough, slight fever, and a crankiness level somewhere south of that 97 year old man we all have in our respective neighbors who screams at cars for going too fast. In other words, the doctor has no idea what the problem is and "the crud" is the catch-all category.

Are You Serious?

I was amazed that with all the advances in medicine, my daughters could come down with something so unidentifiable to modern medicine that it's simply called "the crud." Let me emphasize that I admire and respect doctors. But in what other profession is this allowed? Can you imagine a lawyer listening to a client's problem and then simply telling the client he has what's called in legal parlance "a mess"? I can just see the lawyer in court. "Your Honor, my client has a mess. And we're going to have to do something about it.

He can't live with this, this mess." What would opposing counsel say, "May it please the Court, while it is true that plaintiff has a mess. The mess in question was not caused by my client." Or I guess the opposing lawyer could deny that my client had "a mess" and counter that it was merely "a trifle" or maybe "a hiccup."

That's The Cure?

So, what does one do for "the crud"? You let it run its course. Huh? The doctor can't tell me what my child has other than it's "the crud," but he knows that the cure is for it to run its course? How does he know? Now that I think about it, don't all sicknesses run their courses? Either you get better or you don't. Either way, the sickness ran its course.

Then Here's Your Payment

I think that the next time one of my daughters gets diagnosed with "the crud," I'm going to pay my co-pay with Babylonian pottery shards (not valuable ones mind you, just the cheap stuff you can get at any bazaar in Morocco or Algiers). I figure if I'm going to get a bullcrap diagnosis, I'm going to pay with something of equal value. If he won't take the shards, then I'll tell him that the bill can just run its course.

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Comments (2)
#1 by DrBronx
Jun 10, 2008
Very cute... I got a good chuckle

The worst problems physician have can with a patient is communication, and this situation is a perfect example.

The \"crud\" or the common cold is caused by several different virues. These viruses have one thing in common.. the illness caused by them is self limiting -- meaning that despite the inconvenience of being under the weather...you will be fine in several days.

He/she should have communicated to you the conditions that were being excluded by the testing and examinations. Although the list is small, there are serious conditions with similar presentations that dont get better and require some form of intervention.

This physician gave you professional reassurance that this was only the common cold or the \"the crud\"... I may be wrong,but I beleieve this has some value.
#2 by Brian Herrington
Jun 12, 2008
Dr. Bronx -- First, are you a real doctor, is your name just like Dr. J, or did you stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night? Second, and seriously, thanks for the comment. I love my children's pediatric medical group. In my spare time, I blog at http://supercynic.wordpress.com, and this article was just a spin-off of something silly I wrote on my blog. Thanks for the explanation though.
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