These have been collected from various websites and news reporting agencies, but are all in the public domain.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," - Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." - John Wayne
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."- Al Gore, Vice President
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Bill Clinton, President
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina.
Stupid Newsworthy Things People Have Done
Two Michigan robbers entered a record shop, anxiously waving their guns around. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" Then his partner moved. The nervous first bandit shot him.
A man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an eighth-floor window but his plan to murder her failed when part of her body got caught in some power cables below. Noticing that she was still alive, the man jumped out of the window to try and land on top of her to finish the job. He missed...
On reporting that her car was stolen, a Newark woman told the police that she still had her car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the person on the other end that he had read a ‘for sale' ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. The thief eagerly arranged to meet the police and the ar-rest is history.
In San Antonio, Texas, a woman was taken into police custody, after she took her car to a mechanic for an oil change. The mechanic summoned police after he found 18 packages of marijuana packed in the engine compartment of her car. According to police, the woman later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
A Seattle man, meaning to siphon gasoline from a motor home, got his just desserts instead. When the police arrived at the scene, they found him in a terrible condition, lying next to the motor home, near spilled sewage. The man later admitted to trying to steal gasoline. It was found that he had plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench and said, "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
A man walked into a convenience store, placed a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and announced that this was actually a hold-up. The man then took all the cash from the clerk and fled - forgetting his $20 bill on the counter. The amount of cash he got from the drawer amounted to the grand total of fifteen dollars.
A man entered a chemist, whacked out a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head... A bit late to remember that he hadn't cut any eyeholes in the mask.
A robbery suspect in Los Angeles, California got a bit carried away during a routine line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to step forward and repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man indignantly cried, "That's not what I said!"
Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America by using his thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, this looney didn't remember to keep his hand in his pocket.
A thief in Toronto, Canada was identified despite wearing a pair of women's panties over his head, as a disguise during a robbery. The thief, who later admitted that he was high at the time of the offence, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes so he could see.
Police in Pennsylvania questioned a robbery suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and attaching wires to it from a photocopy machine. The words "He's lying" was previously placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was being less than honest. Nervous at being caught out, the thief confessed.
