Superhero Origin Stories are Stupid

Comic book companies, every few years like clockwork, publish comics that re-tell the origin of a particular superhero. We already know the origins of the most popular superheroes - Superman, Spiderman, Batman, etc - why go over the same tale again and again and yet again?

I'll tell you why: superhero origin stories sell. Whether it's a comic book, cartoon series, or movie, the tale of how a man or woman became super-powered usually guarantees an audience. Corporations make sweet profit from superhero origin story re-telling and, to be honest, I find that fact puzzling. Why? Well, when you carefully examine a superhero origin story, it becomes apparent that the hero and/or the situation is pretty stupid right out of the gate:

Superman

 We all know the story of Superman being rocketed to Earth from the exploding planet Krypton. While baby Supes, “Kal-El”, seems blameless, his parents sure as hell aren't.

Jor-El, Superman's father, must have been a complete and utter idiot of the first degree. First off, he discovers that the planet is going to explode, so he constructs a spaceship that can carry his son AND NOBODY ELSE. Talk about your advanced Kryptonian intellect.

“Oh, no”, the comic book fan may interject, “Superman's father didn't have the time to build a bigger spacecraft.” C'mon. This is incredible Kryptonian technology we're talking about here. All the buildings on the planet are made out of talking computers that project the head of Marlon Brando, for chrissakes.

These incredibly advanced outer space people only had ONE spaceship lying around that could hold only ONE tiny baby? Even if there was a law prohibiting space travel (as some of the varieties of the Superman origin tale make apparent), out of a planet of billions of incredibly advanced geniuses only ONE Kryptonian slob had the guts to construct something akin to Sputnik and slap his kid into it?

Yes, yes, there's Supergirl, Krypto the Superdog, Beppo the Supermonkey… I think all of them were podded into space when Krypton went bah-BOOM. But my point still holds: all of these Kryptonian scientists made teeny-tiny spacecraft when the probability suggests at least ONE of them could have built a big space pleasure-cruiser, to sail away from the citizens of Krypton as they screamed and burned in the flames.

Also consider that Jor-El's logic was faulty. Why send only one of his offspring when he and his wife could have hopped into the escape rocket, made it to Earth, and had more kids? “But the escape ship couldn't hold the size or weight of Superman's parents”. C'MON. I said this is KRYPTONIAN technology we're talking about here, not the Mercury space program where every second rocket went BANG on the goddamn launch pad. Couldn't Jor-El and his wife SPOON together in the rocket? I know if I was on an exploding planet and there was an escape ship, I'd punch my wife and baby son in their faces just to get the hella into space.

Okay, so now we have the infant Superman in his tiny escape ship heading towards the planet Earth. Who's feeding this kid? It has to be a long trip! In NONE of the Superman origin stories did I see a baby bottle, Gerber's food jars, or hell, even a Kryptonian artificial breast hanging from the interior ceiling of the spaceship into Kal-El's tiny suckling mouth.

And then the spacecraft lands on Earth, to be discovered by Mr. & Mrs. Kent, who adopt him on the spot.

Riiiggghhhtt. I said it before, I'll state it again: C'mon.

Let's say you're married, and one day you and your spouse observe a UFO plow into a farmer's field. The both of you (with astonishing stupidity and lack of foresight) investigate the downed craft (disregarding possible radiation burns and forced anal probing by giggling “Greys”) only to discover a child inside the small spacecraft.

Your wife says to you, “Oh, how cute the baby is! Let's adopt him.”

As a husband, wouldn't you feel really insulted? I know If I was Pa Kent I would've said the following to Mrs. Kent: “What, my reproductive faculties aren't GOOD enough for you? You'd prefer some struggling SPACE-THING over the natural born child of our loving mating? Look, that damn alien creature-baby just broke my Ford TRUCK! ! How the hell are we going to raise a kid that tosses farm equipment around like Nerf footballs?”

But, no… the Kents adopt little Kal-El. And I have to ask, as baby Superman grew up, how could his parents discipline him? Especially in his rebellious young teenage years? I can just imagine the family discussions: