Dopey Bumper Stickers

What is it that drives people to cover the backsides of their cars with hokey, corny, nonsensical or just plain stupid bumper stickers? At some point in time, a supposedly thinking person either purchased or accepted a big slab of paper with the equivalent of fly paper on the back and a goofy statement on the front and decided to stick this thing on the back of their vehicle. A proud moment, or was this done in the cover of darkness for fear that neighbors would have you committed? At least in the 60's the excuse was days of smoking weed made you love all bumper stickers, thus many a Volkswagen bus was covered in peace signs and really dopey bumper stickers (pun intended).

There must be an inner need to express ourselves thru our bumpers. I understand the desire to make a statement that the person behind you will think about as you drive away. Stop right there! Now think about what kind of statement you are making. Here's a couple dandies.

• “One who farts in church, sits in his own pew.”
• “I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight.”

Yes, it's true. These statements were actually on the back of cars. Oy! I can only imagine what is going on in the mind of the genius advertising these!

Sitting in traffic, I along with millions of other drivers read these bumper assaults on our brains. So far, I haven't thought, WOW! What a life changing statement! Boy, I'd like to meet the person driving that dream machine! Here's a few more.

• “I'm not bald, I'm a solar panel for a sex machine.”
• “Beauty is only a light switch away.”
• “Dress Code: 15 Teeth”

Some of these have been proudly displayed on a bumper for years. You've seen them. Faded from the weather, chipped, peeling and dented from backing into that BMW (and driving away, but that's another article). You're sitting at the stop light, and out of shear boredom, you are compelled to read that faded strip of paper on that wreck in front of you. You squint, you even put your glasses on, only to find that it wasn't explaining the meaning of life, it was more on the order of these:

• “You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're ugly!”
• “My Other Wife is Beautiful.”
• “Life is too short to dance with ugly women”
• “Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.”
• “Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.”
• “God created men first, cuz every masterpiece needs a sloppy-copy!”
• “Horn broken. Watch for finger.”

Having read bumper stickers for many years, I've come to think of them as being just like the fortunes that come in your cookie after a Chinese meal. You never know what that piece of paper is going to say, but don't take it as words to live by!