Announcements you are unlikely to hear announced on a train.
The five fifteen train bound for London Waterloo will now be cancelled due to completely unplanned and unnecessary engineering works
The train approaching platform five is minding the gap and will therefore not be stopping at this station. Passengers are advised to stand back.
For security reasons we regret to inform you of nothing important.
In this hot weather passengers are advised not to pass out in the carriages, but should you wish to do so, wait until the train approaches the next station before coming to.
Passengers are advised to keep their valuables with them at all times, though if you like, you can leave them with me and I’ll sell them on e-bay.
Due to an unforeseeable leaf on the track, the six fifty two train bound for Morden is now canceled.
To avoid delays, passengers are reminded that more space is generally available towards the rear of the train, under the seats, in the loo and wrapped around a pole sliced into quarters by someone’s shoulder blade.
The next stop is ‘Smoko’. Please alight here. Sorry, please light up here.
