Letter to America

 When I was a young man one of my weekly highlights was listening to BBC Radio on Sunday night (I am British not the owner of an expensive radio antennae).  At approximately 9.p.m. the legendary Alistair Cooke would give one of his immortal ‘Letters from America', here he would describe a part of American geography or culture to an unfamiliar British audience.

 Sadly Alistair Cooke passed away last year, but his broadcasts gave me the inspiration for this article where I will rather than describe America to the British audience I will give an alternate view and describe to America what British people think about them.

 A few weeks ago I returned from a week's vacation in Las Vegas.  Now I realize that ‘Vegas' is not representative of all of the United States but I believe that in a small area in a short period of time I saw a microcosm of many of the things that make America a great, unique and to us Brit's a very amusing place.

 I live near Manchester in the North of England and getting to Vegas from here involved two flights the first of seven hours from Manchester to Philadelphia and then another five hours from ‘Phillie' to ‘Vegas'.  The first transatlantic leg of my journey was very pleasant.  U.S. Airways provided an enjoyable service with plenty of leg room even in cattle class, the food was fine and the in flight film was very entertaining.

 However no matter how pleasant a flight is after seven hours you are ready to put your feet back on firm ground.  The approach into Philadelphia gives you plenty to look at, you get a good view of the Skyscrapers downtown, the river with the Naval base and just before you touch down you see the sports stadia of the American Football, Baseball and Basketball teams.

 It is amazing to think that if these skyscrapers, naval base or sports venues were in Britain then they would the largest in the Nation.  This gives you a first hand example of the size of the United States when compared to Britain, it is a huge country.

 Eventually the plane landed, taxied to the terminal and the passengers all got off.  Philadelphia airport is not unpleasant its arrival lounge is well decorated and well signed but then I had my first meeting with the cheerful ladies and gentlemen of the FSA.  In front of the immigration desk there is a yellow line and a sign which says you must not step over it.  I realise now that this sign is not a request it is a command.  I carelessly stepped over the line and three huge FSA officers swooped upon me declaring that I was in violation of immigration regulations.  I apologised profusely and narrowly avoided being carted off to Guantanamo Bay, but I got the message ‘Don't mess around with these guys.

 I am a natural joker but I realized that the passport control officer did not share my sense of humour so I passed through passport without further comment.  I couldn't resist having a joke at the souvenir shop in the transfer lounge.   They had for sale small, brass models of the liberty bell, I took one to the cashier and told her that it was a very nice model but could could I have another one as it appeared to have a crack in it.  The look on the cashier's face was stunned bewilderment.

 I noticed another thing about American's at Philadelphia airport, how big they are.  I am quite a big man in Britain at 6 feet 4 inches and weighing 260 pounds and many days I go about my business without meeting anyone taller than me, but the first guy I met as I got off the plane towered over me in height.  At first I thought this must be a freakishly tall individual but as I waited for my connecting flight I counted at least 12 people taller than me including a young lady, no wonder American's are good at basketball.

 I caught my connecting flight with little incident and soon I was jetting off again towards Nevada and that capital of culture which is Las Vegas.  I noticed on the flight how the very mention of the words ‘Las Vegas' have a incredible affect on American's.

 After the plane had just taken off the pilot came on to the intercom and said words similar to these ‘Hi this is Captain Smith and we are now flying at approximately 15,000 feet our flight conditions are expected to be smooth and our flight time to Las Vegas will be approximately five and a half hours.  Whoooo! Vegas baby.'

 In Britain pilots tend to be very sober gentlemen with dull voices that like to use the word ‘approximately' in every second sentence that they speak, but here the very mention of ‘Las Vegas' had turned this highly professional individual into a whooping, hollering party animal.

 The words ‘Las Vegas' had a similar effect on a group of middle aged gentlemen that were sat behind and beside me.  They got on to the plane like they were going to a church picnic, but within half an hour they were high fiving and shouting like super bowl winners.

 One quick tip when you fly by U.S.Airways never buy the in-flight snack selection box it is awful, you get a rock hard cracker, suspicious slimy container of peanut butter, ‘rabbit dropping' raisins and a fruit bar that you could break your teeth on.  This assault on your digestive system combined with in flight turbulence could mean a regular use of the paper puke bags.

 The five hours passed and eventually the plane touched down at McCarron International Airport.  I collected my case and made my way to the taxi rank.

 I'll tell you about my first impressions of Las Vegas next month and if enough people like my letters then this will become a regular feature.

 Cheers

 The English Gentleman