My recent visit to the Mess of Alabama was almost triumphant. I have successfully set up a breeding programme of the Flickery Hammered Yellow and - should I be returned to the Zwicky Syndicate in the near future - I very much hope to set up a franchise. Those little tickly bits that make you laugh when you gobble them up are gorgeous. The locals call them fevvas.
My next stop - the Mess of California. For this mission I have two objectives. The first is to find the material the locals call boron to help me fix my ship. It seems that this California is the only place in Oosa where boron is mined.
Boron is necessary if I am to get my ship back to interplanetary status. My people, the Ollox use it as structural material and it plays an important part in the radiation shield. The neutrons in cosmic rays are moderated by materials high in light elements but are still a radiation hazard to me and whatever biological life forms I decide to take with me. Boron absorbs thermal neutrons quite nicely and so I am able to dump the absorption energy far enough away from me for it to be harmless.
The second is to acquire a Primary Mammalian Life form (PML) to aid me with my poor knowledge of Bluespot. It seems ironically pleasing that the motto of this area of OOSA is “Eureka” which means, in an old Bluespot language “I have found it”. A secondary objective is, of course, to taste more of the local delicacies.
I programmed in the Leapspace console. This is one of my few luxuries left - and enables me to go straight to my destination without having to resort to the local forms of transport. Furthermore it enables me to mould in to my surroundings without the local PMLs taking any sort of offense. The collection of boron was easy - I did it in a place called Yosemite.
The Mess of California is full of contradictions. While it is home to almost forty million PMLs it also contains areas that the PMLs have designated “parks” and have abandoned to wilderness. It really is a great waste of space and something that will have to be corrected when the invasion takes place.
It was in Yosemite that I was able to catch what is known locally as a Golden Trout. In my language trout means something unspeakable. However, I am always willing to try something new. Catching one was going to prove to be difficult as the creature is one which lives its entire life immersed in H20. However, the trusty old stun gun has its uses after all. In a few minutes I was able to catch and devour a few specimens. I must say, this little planet continues to amaze. What a fantastic treat!
Next, and finally, I had to catch a PML and return him to may ship for questioning.
I reasoned that I would go to a place where the PML populations spend a lot of their leisure time so I could more easily catch one at its ease. The most likely place seemed to be a population hub called San Francisco.
After leapspacing to my destination and taking the form of a random PML (I type in a number - and it chooses for me - I chose 871 this time) I arrived in a small room where the PML communication device was making a noise (this indicates to the PML that they should pick it up and yabber aimlessly in to it or demand a commodity). This I have since discovered is called a Phoneytell (which I will make use of in the future - it may be useful). I picked it up and enquired where I was. The PML told me I was close to an area called Castro,
As a note to myself, I have canceled the possibility of the PML Clinton, Hillary being a future Collab-Leader. Whatever happens, she is gong to be JUST FINE. Boy did she struggle with the De-Collaborator though!
Castro was ideal. It transpires it was an area favoured by PMLs who refer to themselves as Happy, Glad and Joyful. In fact, in the first habitation I visited, known on Bluespot as a Gaybar, I was approached by a PML within the first few minutes and asked if I was in need of companionship. I was able to retract the PML from its environment forthwith and leapspace back to my ship.
Unfortunately, the PML became hysterical and it was necessary to sedate it. When it gains consciousness I will question it.
