Guess what everyone, it's that time of the year again! "Tis the Season of Giving, or to some the season of Capitalist Dreams Aimed At Draining Our Lifeblood And Commercialising Everything. Time to hang out the lights on your house (-Christmas Lights: 72$ -Ladder: 23$ -Salt That Could Have Melted The Patch Of Ice The Ladder Slipped On When You Were On The Top, Thirty Feet Above The Ground: 3$ -The Chance To Put Your Insurance To Use: Priceless) shop for presents at the last minute ("tis the season to go crazy, fa la la la la, la la la la, you could have had it done if you weren't lazy, fa la la la la, la la la la) and do other fun things, such as going to visit the one and only Santa Claus, who can be found in every major mall simultaneously because of his magic powers, and then stand in line for twenty minutes listening to little ones scream and cry.
Did you ever notice that? The little kids are TERRIFIED of Santa Claus! A lot of them scream and howl the moment they get within three feet of him, then are absolutely placid when they're three feet and half an inch away. Can't really say I blame them, though. A man who sneaks into your bedroom at night, spies on you, and has a major lap fetish? This is one of those cases where the little kids are smarter than the adults. Seriously, though, it's just HEARTBREAKING when these parents persist in trying to get their scared-to-death kids on Santa's lap for one of those timeless Christmas pictures. They coo and try to comfort their child, whose grasp of the English language at this point is hardly very extensive, as they try desperately to get their kid on the guy's lap without a total mental breakdown occurring. In other words, they pay five dollars to buy both a single photo and to eventually pay three hundred dollars when, fifteen years from now, their kids go in for psychiatric evaluations and treatments.
And the photos aren't even worth it! What you get is a man dressed in red with his beard and hat askew, two parents that are so stressed their smiles look like those of a couple of insane axe-murderers, and the traumatized
child itself looks like a Jack-O-Lantern made from a tomato. This is not the Christmas spirit, this is a human's right violation!
I worked as a Santa's Elf (you can all stop laughing now…) a couple of years ago for the Hazeldeen mall. Every time one of those Santa-hating kids came along, sometimes clawing the ground to try and get away, I was tempted
to snatch the kid and give him to more civilized parents, such as wolves. Of course, there were those that LIKED Santa, and in that case it's all right, knock yourselves out, get pictures galore. But there were quite a few haters
of ol' St. Nicholas, and those ones should have their opinions respected. Yes, it's a bit odd to form a moral principle on Mall Santa's, but I don't care!
That's the thing about Santa, though; it's odd because he's looked up at as if they were some sort of example for all the young ones, but if you want to get absolutely technical, that's giving them the wrong idea, isn't it? I mean, Santa is a lot like your average member of Congress; he only really works one day a year, other people do the rest of the work for him for low pay, yet he gets all the credit. And he's always taking statistics of everybody.
And, like Osama bin Ladin, NO ONE CAN FIND THE GUY!! Santa's more secretive than the CIA at the Russian Embassy, and yet we're supposed to believe he has our well-being at heart? Ha! He's up to something. That jolly jiggling belly and red cheeks...
With that an example, it would explain high obesity rates, wouldn't it? Also, how the hell does he fit down the stinking chimney? I bet the mothers let him in the front door... "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" may not be
entirely without a grain of fact me thinks...
