So, I'm pretty much bored with my life and job and have come to the egocentric conclusion that I'm destined for more. As such, I've been doing things to keep myself entertained.
For example: B/S callers? I decided that talking in circles and using unobtrusive and sanitary rap lingo like "word" or "holla" is the only way to go. Foreign solicitors? Look out, you're even more fun for my twisted brain. Trust me guys, it's not you, it's all me and my demented boredom.
That sufficed for about two weeks. I got bored with it, so I turned the boredom internal. I started calling my "office mate" (the guy I am now FORCED to share an office with) Eduardo. I'm sure you guessed his real name is Ed or Edward, depends on how snazzy he's feeling. Eduardo, roughly resembles Danny Devito in Batman returns. He's not as pale, or clever, but by appearance only, there he is. OH! he doesn't wear a monocle either. So, by no stretch of the imagination is he cool. So, I refer to him as Eduardo. But, the twist is, when I address Eduardo, I say it in a latin accent, grab my belt buckle and do a little hip dance thing (I haven't the words for this hip twirl, but Shakira would be impressed). He hates it and thus me. A sidenote: Eduardo is homophobic like it's 100% in style and it's the only thing you should do, EVER. Like, mega homophobe. Brokeback Mountain? Not with my Eduardo. So, after my Eduardo intro, I ask him for a hug. He freaks out and literally gets squirmy and runs away. It's like boys and girls in Kindergarten all over again.
The nerdy estimator? Watch "Revenge of the Nerds", you'll see him there. Comb-over, big glasses, skinny. I don't mock him, he's cool as F--k. I more like to try and enlighten him to the "outside world" (this guy lives in a world like I've never seen before, he's fantastic, don't get me wrong, but still fun to play with and he goes along with it well). I sent him an e-mail earlier that went a little something like this:
You sir, are the man. Not just A man, no, THE man.
He is also the recipient of many Hip-Hop slang words and phrases to which he replies with only befuddle and bemused stares. He's fun.
Everyone else in the office and plant gets to hear me talking to myself. I make quick remarks and many hand gestures that make them all think I'm either mentally challenged or crazy. Which is just what I want them to think.
My boss knows me and semi-likes me, so he just addresses the big issues and tells me to "Settle down kid, we have policies". All the other shit, he just goes along with and even participates in.
Oh! my favorite is telling the conservative people about my weekend exploits. Now, my adventures (generally) aren't anything too crazy or wicked, but I spice them up to make people squeamish. For example, the quiet 40-something who isn't married, has a good sense of humor, but blushes if you say something even remotely "naughty"? I told her I got really drunk and stripped on top of the table (ALL LIES!!!). She blushes and says "Oh, Anthony" and laughs a little. The two girls who are roughly my age, both with boyfriends? Yep, they most definitely flirt with me and I say little things that make them go all funky on the inside and not in a "holy crap I'm going to dry hump that kid in the storage closet", that'd be weird. I say things like "Oh, well, 342 one-armed penguins doing the shuffle across a crowded highway can't be wrong, OF COURSE I'm cool" They never quite get it.
It's gonna get to be so much more fun.
I freakin a love it.