Seventeen Rules From the School of Real English

From just one online ad I picked out the following 17 phrases, most of which could be put in much simpler language. My recommendation is that when you're advertising for staff, you keep your language simple.

Here are the phrases - and a possible interpretation of them.

1. “provides agreement administration”: I think this means writes up contracts.
2. “transaction processing”: could mean anything from handing someone a file, to balancing the petty cash.
3. “information and risk management services”: I presume information management means that you know where to find the piece of paper you just put down on your desk, or where to find the one you filed yesterday. Risk management is what happens if you don't know these things.
4. “add value to” - the most overused phrase in any situation today, and about as helpful as those never-read mission statements that businesses spend hours creating.
5. “Memorandum of Understanding between A and B”. They're still talking to each other in spite of one wanting to spend more money than the other is willing to give.
6. “agreement administration”: making sure the people in the office talk to each other.
7. 7. “payment processing”: paying the bills on time, not paying the same person twice, not forgetting to pay the rent.
8. “including reporting (standard and non standard) and provider/public liaison, and audit and compliance activities”: gobbledegook, but probably means telling the boss what you're doing if he inquires, being able to speak to the customers in real English, making sure the petty cash hasn't been filched, and coming to work on time.
9. “mail clerk functions” - making sure the boss gets his letters on his desk and not someone else's.
10. “working as part of a close-knit team, being pro-active, using initiative and displaying efficient time management skills”: not slandering other staff behind their back, not sitting back and waiting for someone to tell you to get you're A into G, calling 111 if the place is on fire, and, finally, actually doing the job you're paid for.
11. “computer competency with Microsoft Office products” - can type.
12. “proven organisation skills, along with the ability to establish priorities and meet deadlines, whilst preserving the highest level of accuracy and confidentiality”: again, doing the job you're paid for.
13. “excellent interpersonal, oral, and written communication skills and the ability to relate to a wide range of people”: not getting utterly plastered at the office party and insulting everyone.
14. “knowledge of administration equipment and functions”: realising that the printer needs switching on before it will print, or pressing the A4 button on the photocopier before 500 copies go out on A3.
15. “strong sense of teamwork, and a sense of humour”: being able to put up with the boss' jokes.
16. “flexible and adaptable to working environment, with the willingness to accept new challenges”: when the boss shifts your desk to the darker side of the office without any view out the window (or maybe without a window), not feeling that you have to go to the union secretary to complain.
17. “be committed to participating in a performance monitoring programme”: knowing that your boss does have his eye on you.