When entering the workforce, one must consider all the possible dangers of the job. The work environment can be very scary when dealing with certain obstacles. These obstacles can hinder one's judgment, and possible casualties can occur. The most common job obstacle is the “co-worker”, another person hired to do the same tasks as yourself. Co-workers almost always work with you or around you. To prevent negative progress at your new job, this guide should help you spot dangerous co-workers that can affect your next raise.
The Complainer
How to spot them: This person will bitch and moan about everything in the work environment. If a fly passes by, you will be sure to hear about it. Not only do they think out loud, they complain while they work.
Possible Risks: When coming into contact with a complainer, one will always come across distraction, and complainers often like to spread negativity like a disease.
How to get rid of them : There are a couple of options to stop a complainer. By using the phrase “Well if you're so miserable here, why don't you just quit?” will often stop them in their tracks. They might even take your advice. If this doesn't work, one can always out bitch the complainer. This may take some time, because one must be prepared to complain every two minutes. The complainer may get overwhelmed with the amount of negativity, and simply shut up.
The Gossiper
How to spot them: This person will talk about everybody in the company. They know everyone's business, where they are from, how much they make, and what they did five years ago. Gossipers will have a new story everyday, and most importantly they will never give any information about themselves.
Possible Risks : When coming into contact with a gossiper, do not be fooled with their friendliness, for gossipers are often two faced people. Just because they told you that Veronica is sleeping with the boss, doesn't mean they didn't tell Veronica that you wet the bed until you were sixteen. Do not trust gossipers with any secrets, because breaking them is a hobby. It will be hard to get work done if you are the butt of all jokes.
How to get rid of them : Like the old saying “two can play at that game”, one can get rid of a gossiper by spreading rumors about them. Even if they aren't true, many people will believe it, because no one really trusts the gossiper anyway. If this doesn't work, back up your story by placing incriminating evidence around their work space. Example: photos, email, porn, etc.
The Joker
How to spot them: This person will often be telling jokes, pulling pranks, and goofing around the office. Instead of actually doing work, the joker is playing internet games, or making paper airplanes from the copier machine.
Possible Risks : Even though the joker is fun to be around, no work will ever get done when around them. The joker is very persuasive, and might cause you to participate in their games as well. This is dangerous, because the joker never gets caught for playing games, they always divert the bosses attention to someone else.
How to get rid of them : To get rid of the joker is easy. Simply do not laugh at any of their jokes. When asked to participate in a prank, pretend to be extremely uptight and the joker will never bother you again.
The Slacker
How to spot them: This person is always late to work, calls in once a week, and stares into space for half of the work day. Similar to the complainer, the slacker doesn't like what they are doing, but instead of complaining, slackers find ways for other people to do their jobs for them.
Possible Risks : When in close contact with a slacker, one might feel a wave of laziness in the air. Slackers are the most contagious, because work will become very slow, and maybe even boring as well. Daydreaming is a form of oxygen for a slacker.
How to get rid of them : The key to getting rid of a slacker is by bothering them constantly. Ask them questions, advice, tell them stories, anything to break their concentration from daydreaming. They will be so annoyed that they can't be lazy in peace, that they will actually do their work. Reverse psychology never worked so better.
The Butt Kisser
How to spot them: This person is constantly attached to your bosses hip. Butt kissers are the first to arrive in the morning, the last to leave, and they are always trying to find ways to impress the boss. A butt kisser will follow the company manual word for word, for it is like their bible.
Possible Risks : It will be hard to get a promotion with a butt kisser around, because they are always the one's to step it up in the office. They are the most dangerous of all, because most of the time they are only pretending to work harder than others. Butt kissers make it look so authentic, that they are always the first ones to get a raise.
How to get rid of them : Getting rid of the butt kisser will take a lot of hard work. Doing twice the amount of work expected of you might be a waste of time, because it may be tricky getting your boss away from a butt kisser long enough for them to notice. Try sending out the butt kissers resume to a company in a different country. If the butt kissers accepts the offer in India, you'll be next in line for a promotion. If this doesn't work, cry “sexual harassment” and get them fired.
There will be times when you will have to come in contact with one of these potential work threats. In some cases, you might be forced to work with all of them at the same time. Practicing these certain methods can help you raise to the top of the corporate ladder, and being on top is what everyone strives for. (Unless you're a slacker.)
Disclaimer: Attempting above methods may cause termination, arrest, death, ridicule, blackmail, murder, satisfaction, or pleasure. No co workers were harmed in the writing of this guide.
