I have been thinking about writing these for years. Always hoped it would happen but I never got around to it. My problem is this: I lack the knowledge to complete the books.
Number 10: “Programming the VCR Without Reading the Manual”
I have been unable to do this ever, so I figure it would be a bestseller, maybe even make 2 million in copies sold. Might have to put it in the “fiction” section of the book store.
Number 9: “The Secret Lives of Elvis & John Wayne”
I figure my friends & relatives who love these two will make me my first
thousand copies in sales. Too bad I know nobody who knew these two.
Number 8: “Women's Survival Tips for Tent Camping”
This will be a book of suggestions on what NOT to do when you camp. For example, taking the children along is a bad idea, if you don't want to hate both them and your vacation. Locating the tent in the lowest part of the campsite will also be covered, as well as the fun (not) of having a waterbed under your tent.
Number 7: “ The No Sweat Workout”
This book may be impossible for me to write. Just looking a people working out makes me break in to a cold sweat. But I will include a chapter on the benefits of watching NASCAR to increase your pulse rate without even moving.
Number 6: “Confessions of a Green Beret”
I have always wanted to be in the Army, but only for the fun parts. Not sure how long this book would be if I included only the fun parts of army life. Maybe I'd only have enough material for a magazine article. It doesn't
help that I have never been able to meet weight (and now age) requirements to join the Army.
Number 5:” Painless Dentistry and Other Myths That Are Really True”
This book will be dedicated to my dentist's office. Oddly enough, their name is “Painless Dentistry.” I have been unable to experience this phenomenon once the shots wear off. Sometimes mere cleanings are painful, since I hate flossing so much. My teeth are tight together in the back, and flossing is dangerous; my gums and crowns are tricky! I will likely include other myths in this that are true for others but not me: hair brushing that doesn't hurt, biking doesn't ruin your bell bottoms, the dog or cat eats no homework, it's easy to drive a stick shift car and on & on…
Number 4: “Clean House In Less Than 10 Minutes A Day”
Martha Stewart couldn't help me write this one. That's probably because she hires someone to clean her house. It would take her 10 minutes just to call her assistant and find out who actually does her cleaning. The real title to this book for me is “why I don't Have a Clean House in less than 10 Minutes a Day”. I would have one chapter titled “ It's Easier to Move Away Than Clean”.
Number 3: “Ignoring the Husband Successfully “
I originally thought this book would be a book on how to go deaf so you cannot hear him. Then a friend (?) pointed out that he may learn to do sign language, and he'd keep standing in front of you talking that way. Now I may have to shift book contents and include chapters on successfully hiding in or outside the home, how to move away without him noticing, and how to avoid asking him for advice (so he cannot say that “I told you so” thing we wives love to hear. A chapter titled” Don't You Drive the Car with Him In It” is a must for this book. You have to always let him drive if you want to truly ignore his comments about your driving (what he cannot see, he cannot criticize).
Number 2: “Secrets To Sleeping Less & Doing More”
This book will make extensive use of the phrase “I'll catch up on my sleep when I'm dead.” Sleeping & multi-tasking will also be covered. Since I fall asleep anytime I sit down if I am sleep deprived too much, completing this one will be a challenge. I may include a chapter on the world's most famous zombies, which could explain Paris Hilton and her friends.
Number 1: “Killing For Relatives Without Getting Caught”
This book will have to be fiction, so I cannot go to jail for it. Good thing my thoughts alone (so far) can not jail me. I've been thinking about this one a lot. I have many plans to take out a few pesky in-laws, some wives of cousins who make trouble, and one or two others who dirty-rotten double crossed me or my distant family. I would begin this book in my high school years, where I'd magically figure out a way to take out a few people who caused trouble. Nobody who lives in the same state as me would be killed. I'd have to change the names to protect identities; or maybe not.( I want them to be scared of me, very scared.) This book would chronicle how I got away with this from age 15 through the present day. Plus it would explain where I'd hide some dead bodies and these would never be found. This would be my favorite one to write, I'd enjoy it so much.
So that's my book wish list for this year. Hope you enjoyed it!
