1: My pet mutant platypus ate the memo before I could read it.
2: I have chronic explosive diarrhea, in fact, I gotta run!
3: Im in labor with quintuplets at the moment.
4: Im on jury duty for Paris Hilton's case.
5: I OD'd last night and after the ER I just didn't really feel up to it.
6: My fortune cookie told me not to go to work today.
7: My pet octopus developed full-blown AIDs. The vet spent a while taking them all out so I had to provide moral support.
8: I only just got bailed out an hour ago.
9: I was dropped on my head when I was a baby.
10: Well sir, I woke up with an enormous hangover this morning. *Use on a wednesday*
11: I fell asleep watching reruns of Family Guy.
12: The bathroom gnomes stole all the toilet paper so I'm stuck in here for a good while.
13: My kid has a snow day so I think its only fair I get one too.
