Watching the world's most famous famous-person on her recent royal visit to England - “beguiling” Londoners with her self-effacing wit and keeping her army of idiot press attendants (and chubby beau) on their toes with her hectic schedule of appearing at places - it suddenly struck me that Paris Hilton may really be the devil come among us.
It's not so unlikely. All along we've been lazily dismissing Paris as a twit-girl, a gormless idiot and a sugary stick of toffee when what we should have been doing was wising up to the situation. Think about it: The demonic Ms. Hilton is the “star” we all love to hate yet there she is, surrounded by the fawning and unthinking media only too eager to snap her image and report her every utterance so that we fawning and unthinking masses will faithfully slurp up the resulting swill. The woman has power, real power… diabolical power.
And it all makes a kind of sense. Paris simply swans through life, the waves parting in whatever direction she turns, facilitating her serene progress onwards, ever onwards. Nothing sticks to her and there is no circumstance that does not willingly adapt itself to suit her. And throughout this regal progress to the celebrity mountaintop she at all times maintains that vapid expression, an expression that for the unthinking means “lights on but nobody home” yet for the modern day Van Helsings among us may very well mean “my power is absolute; deliver unto me your souls AND your awe”.
And who diverts our attention away from the more pressing problems of the world more than Paris? We allow “pestilence” to rage abroad in the land as we idle our time fawning over this blonde object of fascination (a little Gothic twist there). We can't resist her OR her familiars; everywhere she goes she is accompanied by one of them, the current one a tattooed tub of nothingness with a suspiciously rolling gait. There is no doubt about it: Paris Hilton brings the Carnival of Evil to town.
So what's to be done about it? Are we doomed? I think we are… unless… unless we can find her weak spot. But she doesn't seem to have one. Everyone who gets close enough to her is damned and lost. It just seems hopeless. But…
Evil is not an absolute. Evil can only exist in direct proportion to good. Only when both come together can they be transcended to reach the absolute. Do you see where we're going here? Paris MUST have an equal and opposite out there, her nemesis perhaps. We must find a saint to carry the fight back to her. We must find someone wholly good and wholly pure and… wholly blonde, a modern day Joan of Arc to selflessly sacrifice her honor in order to bring a light to shine upon this dark tormented Parisienne world of evil. We must find pure goodness that yet has cradled an apple in her hands. We must call… Gwyneth Paltrow.
