Although Vince lives in the U.S., his Swedish Grandfather ran away to sea and landed in the U.S. in 1955. His Swedish grandmother also ran away to sea, probably chasing his grandfather.
Before turning this tale over to his biographer, here is a personal note from Olaf Johnson, himself.
I spent my youth developing a keen eye and a steady hand. Therefore you may be surprised to learn that I did not make my fortune playing nine-ball. But alas, I could not make those thin cuts in the side pocket.
And upon learning of my ability to ride a bike backwards you may also be surprised to find out that I never joined the circus. I tell myself that it may not be too late yet, in case this writing dodge doesn't pan out.
Therefore, as is well known throughout the universe, I had to make my billions in the fields of Cold Logic and Deep Thinking.
At this late stage in my life (the kids are all grown, my wife left me, the dog died) while I'm riding high on the glittering list of my accomplishments in the unending search for Final Truths in Science, Technology, Ethics and the Perfect Golf Swing, I can now at last reveal in this work what all of my followers have begged me to tell -- the early years of my life and how I miraculously appeared on the world scene.
Now I turn this simple story over to my biographer.
The Life Story of Olaf Johnson
Here is the incredible life story of a Brilliant Swedish Scholar who, against Crushing Odds, survived a life of unending pain, anguish, betrayal, and rotten breaks to achieve International Fame as:
- The Nordic Flash
- Wonder Boy
- Invincible Pool Shark
- Trick Bike Rider
- Dead Shot, All Weapons
- Tireless, Inventive Stud
- Champion Booze Fighter
- Feared Golfer
- Profound Thinker
Let me begin this biography by saying it would be neither fair nor factual to pass over Olaf's life as a Wonder Boy with a mere catalogue of his accomplishments.
A Sudden Advance in the Evolution of Mankind!
In a scientific work of this kind it is perfectly proper to say, first, that staggered as we of the Scientific Community have been by the fecundity of his brain, much more needs to be said about how the sudden appearance of Olaf Johnson actually thrust Mankind out of the slime and up the ladder of evolution.
One has only to examine the slow progress of evolution to fully comprehend the dramatic leap forward caused by this instant marvel of creation who, mere days after his birth, rocked the temples of learning with brilliant orations and mathematical calculations beyond the power of computers.
The shameful record shows that unbelieving Norwegian scholars and philosophers dragged Olaf's crib into their temples of learning, and there, smirking and stroking their beards, these Great Men questioned The Swedish Babe closely on the Ancient & Royal Sciences of Reason and Logic.
Unanswerable Questions Nailed Down!
Rapid fire, they barraged him with questions that had baffled the greatest minds for eons. It was a dirty trick. They meant to demolish the boy quickly and send him back to the nursery a squalling brat. "What is the meaning of Life?" they asked him, chuckling away. "Where does the sun go at night?"
But the iron-bound logic that poured from the lips of the young genius could not be denied.
Confounded, knowing that if The Babe was right their work of a lifetime was dust, these wise old men thought up even harder questions -- What makes water wet? Why is winter so cold? These eternal mysteries, too, Olaf polished off with sharp authority.
Brilliant Swedish square-heads fell to their knees in adoration. "It's Him!" they cried, gazing up in wonder at the soulful expression on Olaf's innocent face. "The greatest intellect of history! And he's one of us!"
"Nonsense!" screamed a fellow whose dark past reeked of Danish blood. "It's some kind of trick!"
Sent By the Devil!
Fighting for their professional lives now, overwhelmed by the Niagara of irrefutable knowledge roaring in their heads, the Great Thinkers knew they had only one way out -- they had to prove that the tiny boy was a Messenger from the Devil -- was in fact the Devil!
They decided to use tactics which had worked so successfully against two earlier Swedes, Newton and Galileo -- denial and contempt, followed by torture.
"Let's see if he recants on the rack!" cried a dumb little Dane with big ears.
Something Had To Crack!
But months of torture merely brightened the flame of defiance in the boy's eyes. In the end, it was his torturers who cracked. Their instruments of torture, blackened and bloody, lay broken on the floor.
Finally, just to get them off his back, Olaf tossed them a crumb: he revealed the secret of the golf swing. This sensational news convinced his inquisitors that he was indeed The One. They knew beyond doubt that after centuries of trial and error, after countless human rejects, evolution had culminated in sublime perfection -- Olaf Johnson was here!
"Aw hell!" grumbled a scrivener. "Now I gotta rewrite all those ancient scrolls."
"Hah!" said a stone mason. "You think you got it rough. I gotta chisel all his sayings in granite!"
Note:
The reader must know that the biographer's lot is hard. No matter how sensational the subject matter, no matter how the work cries out for elaboration, the historian must stringently restrict himself to a plain presentation of facts without comment or opinion.
In light of this literary confinement, the author of this simple presentation may perhaps be forgiven an editorial indulgence:
After The Coming, many deep thinkers of great repute tried to salvage their careers by rushing into print great tomes claiming that they always knew the Swedes could do it, and, in fact, had twice come close to producing a True Olaf Johnson in centuries past when they brought forth Olaf Einstein and Olaf Solomon.
But it was no use. Although they begged for mercy the Great Thinkers could not erase the thousands of lectures in which they had inflicted on innocent students the false theory that evolution was a random process of selection and rejection, and that in a chaotic universe no perfect human being could ever be produced.
What could they say? Olaf was here.
