"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet
"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"
"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"
"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."
One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
