I hardly ever use my mobile phone, as I don't want to fry my brains, but there's one thing it's indispensable for, and that's sending and receiving text message jokes. These are the last 10 that landed in my inbox, in no particular order:
Did you hear about the blonde who booked a water skiing holiday, then demanded her money back from the Travel Agent? She said when she got there, the lake didn't have a slope.
My friend just wrote from his army posting to say he's married a girl from Switzerland. She can wash up, sweep, dust, cook tea and open him a beer at the same time. She's a Swiss Army Wife.
A gipsy took his wife to A & E. All her teeth had been knocked out, she had two black eyes and a broken nose. The horrified doctor asked what had happened. ‘She was going through the change,' said the husband. ‘But you don't get like that from going through the change,' replied the incredulous doctor.' ‘You do if it's in my pockets,' said the husband.
Why should a woman prefer vodka to a man? Because she can have as many as she likes every night without being labelled a slut.
A man was in bed with his new girlfriend when he saw a photo of another man on the bedside table. Jealously, he asked if it was her ex husband. ‘Don't be silly,' she replied. Still not satisfied, he persisted. ‘Who is it then? Your brother? Your cousin? Your uncle?' ‘No, that was me six months ago, before the operation.'
A husband suggested his wife should wash her knickers in Slim Fast, then her backside might shrink a bit. Next day, he asked her why she had put talcum powder in his underpants. ‘It's not talc,' she replied, ‘It's Miracle Gro.'
His & Hers Diary
Hers: He was so quiet, not like himself at all. He wouldn't speak to me, or even look at me all night. When I tried to kiss him, he just pushed me away. It must be another woman. What shall I do? I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. Much later, he came up and we made love. Perhaps I'm worrying over nothing.
His: England lost. I was totally gutted. Had sex with the wife, though, so it's not all bad news!
A woman sent her knickers to the laundry, but they came back stained. The following week, she sent a curt note: ‘Use more soap when washing.' Back came the equally curt reply: ‘Use more paper when wiping.'
Paddy unbelievably passed the audition for ‘Mastermind' In the famous Black Chair, he got all his general knowledge questions wrong. John Humphrys took pity on him and threw in an easy one, or so he thought. ‘What's the capital of California?' Paddy thought and thought, and just as the buzzer sounded for the end of the round, it came to him. ‘It's "C," isn't it?'
Three old ladies were talking about the good old days in their retirement home. Ethel said: ‘Remember the lovely vegetables we used to get? You could get an enormous cucumber that would feed the whole family for a week for just a penny.' She demonstrated the length and girth with her hands. Not to be outdone, Vera said, ‘I went into the greengrocers once and asked for two onions, and you should have seen the size of those for a penny.' Again, she described two impressive shapes in the air with her hands. Betty was a little deaf and hadn't taken much part in the conversation, but now she brightened up. ‘Yes!'she said, I know exactly who you're talking about, but I'm blowed if I can remember his name!'
There you go. I'd like to say I'm sorry if I've offended anybody. I'd like to, but I won't. Surely you realise text message jokes should be smutty and politically incorrect? That's why they make us laugh so much. Long may they reign!
