Really, how useful is "Eureka" as California's state motto? When was the last time anyone traveled across the entire country, settled in California, and struck it rich panning for gold? And are we to believe that the people from Texas are somehow much more friendly than people from, say, Maine? I don't think so either.
So, here they are, my proposals for a new state motto for each state. And before everyone out there starts leaving comments about how my Latin is incorrect, lighten up. I'm no more a Latin expert than I am a deep sea diver.
Alabama
Current Motto: Audemus jura nostra defendere, Latin: “We dare to defend our rights.”
Suggested Motto: Audemus incestus nostra defendere, Latin: “We dare to defend our incest.”
Alaska
Current Motto: North to the Future
Suggested Motto: North to Frozen Testicles
Arizona
Current Motto: Ditat Deus, Latin: “God enriches.”
Suggested Motto: Redux Deus iracundia, Latin: “God's back, and he's pissed.”
Arkansas
Current Motto: Regnat populus, Latin: “The people rule.”
Suggested Motto: So regnat populus, Latin: “The people so rule!”
California
Current Motto: Eureka, Greek, “I have found it.”
Suggested Motto: Eureka Botulinum, Greek, “I have found the Bo-tox.”
Colorado
Current Motto: Nil sine numine, Latin, “Nothing without Providence.”
Suggested Motto: Nil sine espresso, Latin, “Nothing without my morning espresso.”
Connecticut
Current Motto: Qui transtulit sustinet, Latin, “He who transplanted sustains.”
Suggested Motto: Qui flattus, Latin, “Who farted?”
Delaware
Current Motto: Liberty and Justice
Suggested Motto: At least we're not New Jersey.
Florida
Current Motto: In God we trust.
Suggested Motto: In Depends we trust.
Georgia
Current Motto: Wisdom, justice, and moderation
Suggested Motto: Stupidity, the Klan, and binge drinking
Hawaii
Current Motto: Ua mau ke ea o ka aina i ka pono, Hawaiian, “The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness.”
Suggested Motto: Ha kua ka ne ma na keno, Hawaiian, “The only reason we put up with you damn mainlanders is because you bring lots of money with you.”
Idaho
Current Motto: Esto perpetua, Latin, “Let it be perpetual.”
Suggested Motto: Would you like a potato? How about a potato?
Illinois
Current Motto: State sovereignty, national union
Suggested Motto: Let's just drop the final "s" and be done with it.
Indiana
Current Motto: The crossroads of America
Suggested Motto: What the hell is a "Hoosier" anyway?
Iowa
Current Motto: Our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain.
Suggested Motto: Where corn is our state animal!
Kansas
Current Motto: Ad astra per aspera, Latin, “To the starts through adversity.”
Suggested Motto: Ad infinitio excedo, Latin, “To infinity, and beyond!”
Kentucky
Current Motto: United we stand, divided we fall.
Suggested Motto: Get your dress back on, sis, there's a car a-comin'.
Louisiana
Current Motto: Union, justice, et confidence, French, “Union, justice, and confidence”
Suggested Motto: Wait, I think it will sound better in French...
Maine
Current Motto: Dirigo, Latin, “I direct.”
Suggested Motto: Infitialis interpretor, Latin, “I can't translate.”
Maryland
Current Motto: Fatti maschi, parole femmine, Italian, “Manly deeds, womanly words.”
Suggested Motto: L'uomo beve la birra, femmine della donna, Italian, “Man drinks beer, woman bitches.”
Massachusetts
Current Motto: Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem, Latin, “By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty”
Suggested Motto: Hit us up at myspace.com!
Michigan
Current Motto: Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice, Latin, “If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you.”
Suggested Motto: Si quaeris dialogus intellego aliorsum, Latin, “If you seek an intelligent conversation, look somewhere else.”
Minnesota
Current Motto: L'étoile du Nord, French, “The star of the North.”
Suggested Motto: You can find 10,000 Lakes and at least several hundred people here!
Mississippi
Current Motto: Virtute et armis, Latin, “By valor and arms”
Suggested Motto: Now with 10% more paved roads!
Missouri
Current Motto: Salus populi suprema lex esto, Latin, “The welfare of the people is the highest law.”
Suggested Motto: Magis populi salus esto, Latin, “Most people are on welfare.”
Montana
Current Motto: Oro y plata, Spanish, “Gold and silver”
Suggested Motto: Nada y más nada, Spanish, “Nothing and more nothing”
Nebraska
Current Motto: Equality before the law.
Suggested Motto: Damn, Iowa took our slogan.
Nevada
Current Motto: All for our county.
Suggested Motto: There's more to Nevada than Las Vegas. Really. Like, we have Carson City, too.
New Hampshire
Current Motto: Live free or die.
Suggested Motto: Really, once you think about it, is living oppressed really all that bad?
New Jersey
Current Motto: Liberty and prosperity
Suggested Motto: Miles of littered shoreline
New Mexico
Current Motto: Crescit eundo, Latin, “It grows as it goes.”
Suggested Motto: Insert random pornographic phrase here.
New York
Current Motto: Excelsior!, Latin, “Ever Upward!”
Suggested Motto: Home of the Naked Cowboy.
North Carolina
Current Motto: Esse quam videri, Latin, “To be rather than to seem.”
Suggested Motto: We are so superior to South Carolina.
North Dakota
Current Motto: Liberty and union, now and forever, one and inseparable.
Suggested Motto: More conjunctions than your average state motto.
Ohio
Current Motto: With God, all things are possible.
Suggested Motto: With God, all things are possible, except the separation of church and state, but we're working on that one.
Oklahoma
Current Motto: Labor omnia vincit, Latin, “Labor conquers all things.”
Suggested Motto: Aeratus commercor abstineo, Latin, “Money buys those things back.”
Oregon
Current Motto: Alis volat propriis, Latin, “She flies with her own wings.”
Suggested Motto: Angiportus adstare propriis, Latin, “She stands on her own street corner.”
Pennsylvania
Current Motto: Virtue, liberty, and independence
Suggested Motto: Death, taxes, and Turnpike toll booths
Rhode Island
Current Motto: Hope
Suggested Motto: Hope the global ice caps don't melt.
South Carolina
Current Motto: Dum spiro spero, Latin, “While I breathe, I hope.”
Suggested Motto: Dum fermentum adbibo commingo adeo, Latin, “When I drink beer, I pee a lot.”
South Dakota
Current Motto: Under God the people rule.
Suggested Motto: Under Satan the sky will bleed red.
Tennessee
Current Motto: Agriculture and commerce
Suggested Motto: Pimps and hoes
Texas
Current Motto: Friendship
Suggested Motto: We have the death penalty, and we know how to use it.
Utah
Current Motto: Industry
Suggested Motto: Salt lake city, and a lot of empty space.
Vermont
Current Motto: Freedom and Unity
Suggested Motto: We have tourist attractions, and not much else.
Virginia
Current Motto: Sic semper tyrannis, Latin, “Thus always to tyrants.”
Suggested Motto: Sic semper tyrannosaur, Latin, “Thus always to T. rex.”
Washington
Current Motto: Al-ki, Chinook Jargon, “By and by”
Suggested Motto: Land of 10,000 Starbucks.
West Virginia
Current Motto: Montani semper liberi, Latin, “Mountaineers are always free.”
Suggested Motto: Montani semper secus bidentis fas, Latin, “Mountaineers are always free to have sex with sheep.”
Wisconsin
Current Motto: Forward
Suggested Motto: Reverse
Wyoming
Current Motto: Equal rights
Suggested Motto: Equal rights for all seven of our citizens.
