Six Sure Tricks to Get Rid of Guests

Here are six sure tricks to get overstaying guests to leave.

1. Ask your guest to tell about her/his work or relationship and then mid-sentence cut her/him off by saying “I understand perfectly!” Then continue with how terrible your own work/relationship situation is. Every time the guest would like to get a word in, say “Oh, but your problems are nothing in comparison, though I understand you!” Keep it up until the guest gets tired and decides to leave. This mixture of getting cut off and someone saying she/he understands without even listening will frustrate anyone.
2. Lock yourself in the bathroom with a book or magazine for half an hour. Before going, announce in details how you suffer from a too sensitive stomach and how it makes you tired and irritable.
3. Bring some old photographs and start showing them. Remember to tell stories about the old aunt or uncle. The trick here is to stop at details and make them a big issue. Stop at details like “Now, was it 1972 or 1973 Christmas, when aunt Tilda came to visit us. I think it must have been 1972. No, it was around Watergate. But then thinking carefully Nixon was still president, so it must've been 1972 or 1973.” Then come back to your guest with “Oh, I'm sorry. Am I boring you? Now I remember, it was June 1971. Ok, on with the story! I have lots of stories about aunt Tilda”
4. Start arguing with your spouse about something very small and silly. You have to agree beforehand that this is a simulation argument so that it doesn't get out of hand. Then ask the guest to give an opinion and take sides.
5. Spill tea or coffee or food on the table or on the floor. If you spill on the guest, you might have to pay for the laundry bill and cab fare home so don't even think of doing that. Then apologize “Oh sorry, my nerves. I just need some rest. Don't worry, I'm fine.”
6. Pretend falling asleep. Then wake up startled and apologize “Oh, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have fallen asleep. I feel so bad that I've hurt you. Let's have this again at some better time.”

All of these tricks would work for evening or lunch guests as well as for overnight guests, who have overstayed their welcome.

There is an Italian saying “L'ospite ed il pesce dopo tre giorni puzzano. Guests and fish stink after three days.