Author's Note: This article in entirely satirical in nature. I don't advocate dating ugly, pretty or any other kind of woman. Actually, I advocate that we all live as modern hermits with high-speed internet access and at least 4 gigs of ram. My only purpose in my writing is to amuse the other sick and twisted minds out there. Please don't contact the police: I'm not chained to anything except maybe my work desk but so are millions of other Americans.
She'll be grateful for the crumbs of your affection.
Ugly women having been lonely for so long that the minute you talk to her (after she gets over the initial shock) she will shower you with gratitude. If your ego needed a boost than she will give it to you without thinking about it. You can be disgusting, rude, even flatulent…nothing will upset her. Your mere presence is more than enough for her.
She'll give you money.
Even if she's a homely librarian, she will gladly sign over her paycheck for any reason you choose to give her. Even for no reason. She'll take out loans. She'll max her credit cards. She'd turn to prostitution except she'd already know she wouldn't make much. She'll be like your personal ATM. Score!
You can move in right away.
If your last beautiful girl kicked you out of your shared apartment, your new ugly girlfriend will open her home to you. Once you get rid of the all the stuffed animals and cats, it more comfortable than your mother's basement.
She'll do anything you ask. Anything.
Need an accomplice? A rock hard alibi? Or maybe you always wanted to “experiment”. Your ugly girlfriend will never refuse you no matter how outrageous or dangerous. Just be sure to break her in slowly, you don't want to spook the horse too soon.
Humiliation is her middle name.
Are you the type of person who gets a kick out of making someone feel bad? Tired of people not appreciating your rapier wit? Well, your new ugly girlfriend can play “Ed” to your “Johnny”. No joke is too distasteful or corny for your girl. She'll laugh on cue (in cue, I mean you will of course train her to laugh whenever you snap your fingers.)
She's got a cute friend you can mess around with.
Ugly girls have lots of cute girlfriends. The reason for this is simple. What better way to be more beautiful than be surround by the truly hideous? When a woman thinks like that, she has self esteem issues. That's perfect for a guy like you. Just remember to treat both your ugly girlfriend and your soon to be mistress with as much disdain as possible. That's how the real pimps do it!
Sympathy
Looking for a way to get back with your cute ex-girlfriend? Start going around with the ugly chick on your arm. The sympathetic stares will boost your ego. People who know your ex will of course report back on how bad you're doing now and how you were seen out in public with someone who look “tore up”. If you can manage a few tears if you happen to run into your old girlfriend, you can play both at the same time. You wouldn't want to break hearts, would you?
Your opinion will be the only one that matters.
Tired of always being wrong? Want your views on everything from global warming to soap operas taken as gospel? Your ugly girlfriend will be your biggest booster. Even when you're not sure, or even when you are dead wrong; she'll swallow whatever tripe you happen to be giving out that day. She'll believe in you!
She won't make fun of you.
Are you the often the butt of other people's jokes? Tired of being stepped on? Well, your ugly girlfriend is already beneath you: why not take out your frustration on her? You may be a “small” man to everyone else; but to her, you're the king!
Okay, I can only come up with 9 reasons. My man isn't back yet from working a double shift at “Burger King” so I don't have any more ideas for this list. Truthfully, without his wise direction, I can barely exist. However, as soon as he comes in and unchains me from the radiator I will respectfully ask that he put fresh water in my dish and allow me to type out the rest of his brilliant thoughts so that I can finish this article for him. Men are so smart.
