Oh they think they have the monopoly on knowing how to ditch a guy. I'm no stranger to losing girls, believe me! In fact, I've become quite the expert on it. Here's my no fuss check list to obtaining relationship freedom in a week and a half.
Day 1
Refrain from brushing your teeth, and make it a commitment for the next ten days. You can't wimp out, if you mean business, you have to forgo all kinds of oral hygiene.
Day 2
An apple a day might keep the doctor away, but I'm here to tell you, a fart a night, keeps the babe outta sight. She'll be out of that bed cursing the day you were born, before the aroma even gets a chance to develop.
Day 3
Complain about her cooking. Sure, she comes home and prepares you a half decent dinner, and yeah, you appreciate it, but you're going to have to start looking forward to baked beans on toast or Domino's pizza delivered by the geeky kid who doesn't give you your five cents change, if you want to be a respectable bachelor again.
Day 4
Don't come home. "Nuff said!
Day 5
Turn up at home before she even gets home from work and go straight to bed. But before you do, guzzle a couple of coldies and dab a bit all over your t-shirt so you smell like a pisshead when she comes to blast you for not being home the night before. Pretend not to hear. After all, you"re supposed to be so wasted that you are practically unconscious. Ok so you have to have an early night for this one but once in a blue moon won't kill ya!
Day 6
Give her a good morning kiss and inflict your day 6 unbrushed, plaque-riddled morning mouth on her. Grope her a bit and give her that cutesie pie voice she used to think was so cute. “Honeyyyyy, let's do it????” And you have to make it whiney. With a bit of luck, she won't succumb to your irresistible charms, and you'll be able to continue with your mission.
Day 7
Invite the guys over for a porn night. Drag out your best sleaze flicks and play them back to back, while your mates spill beer over the carpet, eat you out of house and home and demand very loudly that your girl “come and see what this chick's doing” on the video.
Day 8
If she's still hanging in there, never fear. Three days to go and you can just make out the light at the end of the tunnel. It's time to get serious. Strategically place her favourite pair of high heels somewhere around the house where the dog can find them, and let him have the time of his life using them as a chewbone.
Day 9
After copping the furore the night before about the shoes, you're probably thinking nothing can top what you did on Day 8. Wrong, my friend. Let her "catch you" talking to someone on the phone about a sneaky encounter a few days before (think Day 4, when you didn't come home). With a bit of luck and creativity, you'll be sliding into home base before Day 10 even dawns.
Day 10
Ok, the girl's clearly nuts over you. Either that or she wants to make your life a living hell by lingering like the smell of a porta-potty on a building site. But the little treat you have in store for Day 10 will be the last straw, I promise you. It's going to be a bit of a knock to your male pride but hey, what's more important? Freedom? Or Pride? What you have to do is, be sure you know what time she's coming home. And when she arrives, let her walk in on you dressing up in her stockings, undies, bra and high heels, with your face totally plastered in her makeup.
Ah, the price of freedom.
