Author's Note: Before I even begin anything let's get something straight: I'm an idiot and have way too much time on my hands writing things that I think will make people either laugh or think or both. I don't mean it. I don't advocate anything. I don't really know anything. Like everyone else, my life is a mess. I do like to write. Sometimes I feel the overwhelming urge to write. My therapist thinks it's a good outlet for my rage and unnatural desires. This article is satire for my, and hopefully your, amusement only.
Are you old and lonely? Have you reached the pinnacle of your professional career only to find that it is lonely at the top? Maybe it's time for you to take a page from the Demi Moore, Star Jones and Mariah Carey handbooks and look for a guy who doesn't have as much mileage under his belt as you do. Maybe it's time to open up your son's high school yearbook and find your next baby-daddy. I have several very good reasons why a cougar like you should (must!) date a younger man.
Lack of experience is a good thing
If you are the master of your universe and see no reason to change, you already know that dating a man your own age is impossible. The old farts think they know everything. They drone on with their long-winded stories of glories past. If you date a guy half your age, he'll only bore you half the time. The other half of the time he'll spend enjoying your stories of your glorious past.
Younger men don't need Medicaid
Are you tired of sharing your medicine cabinet with some old dude? Is he taking more hormones than you are? Think about it-freeing your cabinet of all those “old man” drugs for a man that doesn't use…oh.
Younger men are energetic
Have you honed your body over the years to a razor's edge? Can you do pull ups for days? You already know that if you let loose on some old dude, you may have to stretch your CPR muscles to resuscitate the geezer. Do you have that kind of time? With a younger man (I heard) they can go all night. They may (I heard) outdo you in their stamina. You may have to get an extinguisher (I heard) to put out the flames in the bedroom. Grrrr.
Younger men are broke
I admit it; this doesn't seem like a reason to date a younger man. But as an older, more experienced woman like you has come to realize; money is power and you would never date an usurper to your throne. If you're worried about your young man feeling good about himself and wanting to accomplish something (how cute!), you can put him in charge of your next dinner party.
Younger men have no baggage
Accept for a raggedy backpack, your new younger man will come with none of the baggage men your own age have. Chances are, he won't have kids, divorce, credit card debts or anything else in his past that can come back to haunt you. And, if you can manage to live vicariously through your young honey, you can feel like you have a clean slate too!
Younger men haven't been “broken” yet
When you deal with a man your own age, often they have already had so many disappointments that you can read them in the lines and crevices of his face. The old geezer is wary and wily: not willing to get his heart broken once again by some evil, ball-breaking temptress. Imagine dating a man who still believes in “Love”! It may cross your mind that your young man may get his heart broken by you…but you'll be having too much hot, butt-naked sex with your young stud to think about it for too long.
Your lonely, rich and powerful…you should get anything you want
My grandmother used to say, “You have to pay the cost to be the boss.” Honey, you have sacrificed a lot by now, haven't you? In your mad rise to the top, you stepped on quite a few loves, friends and family. You've honed your body and mind to a razor's edge. Why shouldn't get everything you want?
I myself am in the market for a younger man. I had one for six years but the idiot went and got older on me so now I have to replace him. One quick word of advice: the authorities frown on anyone dating someone under the age of eighteen. Prison isn't sexy.
So, I say, go for it!!