Should I brush my teeth before I go to bed? Should I smell the milk before I poor it into my cereal? Should I check the air in my spare tire before I make a really long road trip? I find the answer to these questions quite obvious, but I try not to pretend to know what is best for others.
For myself, I know that I will live with a person before I consider marrying them. To me, it is common sense. It is practical. It is responsible.
I have lived with two of my past boyfriends. The first one decided that he would behave the same way with me as he would with his own mother. I would have to ask him before he would lift a finger to clean anything. About one month after he moved in, he quit his job. He just decided one day that he did not want to work there anymore, and stopped going. He assured me that he would find another job quickly, but in the meantime could he borrow some money for beer? I figured it was fair, since he had a vehicle and I did not, and he took me anywhere I needed to go.
After a few weeks he had only turned in two applications, and spent most of his time sitting around watching the tube and eating the food that I was working to pay for. Shortly after that, I invited him to move back into his mother's house and our relationship failed.
The second time I lived with a boyfriend, he just so happened to be a much cleaner person than the previous one, so cleaning duties were not an issue. He was also a great cook, and we would cook our dinners together, and then clean up together. Things could have been pretty blissful if he had not suddenly become very jealous.
Suddenly I had no time for friends, and hardly any for family. I was working as a waitress and he was what you could call a "freelance" tattoo artist, and a very good one at that. I worked in the mornings, and most of his appointments would be set in the afternoons. When I would get home from work I would usually want to relax and have some free time, but he began to insist that I should accompany him to do his tattoos. I had gone to a few with him, and at first it was interesting, but after a while it became boring, and I could think of better things I could be doing like catching up with a friend on the phone, or reading a book, relaxing in a bath.
I tried to explain this to him, but he took it very personally that I would choose to be away from him. His possessiveness began to worsen, and evolved into him accusing me of cheating on him, even suggesting that I probably did not even go to work on some days. Things only got worse after that, and needless to say I eventually left him, out of fear for my sanity.
It is possible that if I had not lived with either of these ex-boyfriends, but instead continued dating them, I would have eventually come across these issues and our relationships would have failed anyway. However, it would have taken more of my precious time for these things to become evident, and I have no regrets about learning whether it was worth my time more quickly.
Suppose I had waited to marry my jealous boyfriend before living together. I have no doubt that it would have ended in divorce anyway.
The only thing I will advise is that before you decide to live with someone and especially before you marry him or her, stop and observe them. Take note of the small details, they do matter.
And actually I WILL go ahead and advise you to brush your teeth before you go to bed, smell the questionable milk before you poor it into your cereal, and always check your spare tire before making a long road trip.
