Plunge of Pain
You know you want to. Go ahead and grab the plunger, fill it with shampoo, and flip on the shower. Make sure the water temperature is set to “incredible scalding pain”, then turn around and face the agent. As soon as he steps foot in the door, lunge at his face with the plunger. If you hear the popping suction, you've found your mark. Now, while the plunger is on your agent's face, work it back and forth furiously until you see foam oozing out of the plunger. The agent is now in quite a position, being blinded with detergent and then having shampoo worked vigorously in your face tends to disorient you, which mean right now he is in a lot of pain. Use this brief moment of weakness to rip the plunger off of his face. This will make him stumble forward and trip on your waiting foot, thus, falling into the shower. Quickly run into the closest bedroom as the screams of pain fill the bathroom behind you. 2 Points!
CAUTION: Secret agents are incredibly skilled at hand-to-hand combat, so you may not even being able to hit his face with the plunger, and you probably won't be able to trip him either. If that's the case, you may very well just wind up making him even madder, by getting shampoo all over his favorite clothes. The “plunge” takes a tad it more skill to pull off than a detergent sweep, so only attempt it if you are an expert, and have fought agents before. So if all else fails, just run into the bedroom. And thus, the final part of this manual.
Complete Control
Whirlwind of Anguish
This is basically when things are about to get serious. Since you don't really want to kill the agent, as doing so would be a serious violation of the law, (If you do, just shoot him in the first place, and forget this manual) then you are going to have to completely incapacitate him. By now he's probably climbed out of the shower, and is extremely disorientated as he continues his pursuit. (Which, admittedly, he has very clean hair and clothes, even if they are currently dripping onto your new carpet.) Okay so here's the plan: First, bring out the ancient warrior skills deep inside of yourself and fashion together a weapon made from thumbtacks, a ball of yarn, one large sharpies marker, a small amount of chocolate, a tennis ball, and of course, electrical tape. You'll need a knife to do all of this, and I suggest you hurry up and grab everything, because I doubt you have a whole lot of time left. You should end up with something that looks like a really cheaply made morning star off of a cartoon version of Balders Gate: Dark Alliance. And in case you were wondering the chocolate is so that when you attack, your agent will look up to see what that wonderful cocoa smell is. Now you are ready for action. When he comes through the door, attack. Hit his face several times until you see a satisfying amount of blood.
Then, throw the bedcover over him. If the bedroom you are in happens to have a weight set, go ahead and throw a few of the medium sized weights on his toes and into his stomach area. You don't want to knock him unconscious just yet, after all, he is probably trying to kill you. So, go ahead and find a Bic lighter. Trust me, The agent is in so much pain right now, he won't even try to stop you. Now, (laughing quite evilly preferably) set the covers on fire. Be sure to throw some dirty underwear on the flames, I imagine burning dirty underwear will stink quite badly, and your agent won't like it. Now try not to let the screams that are now emitting from the flaming ball of fire that is now flying through your room bother you while you grab (with an epic flourish) the Final Weapon: A very, very heavy weight. (Also acceptable: bowling balls, stock of a gun, TV's, small dressers, and especially glass cabinets.) And Attack!!! With a might war cry heave your heavy object at the flaming agent, in such a way that it will knock him in the direction of the window. The agent will be knocked unconscious, fall through the window with a resounding crash, and your problems (and worries that the house is going to burn down) will be eliminated. Congrats!
CAUTION: There is a very real chance that everything I have just told you might backfire, and you'll just die anyway. If that happens, I am very sorry to hear of your friends and families' loss
Final Word
I know you feel like you've practically read a novel, but there's a lot to say when it comes to fighting a secret agent, the are wicked complicated after all. As for the damage to your house and the time it took to read this? Well, you can probably sue the government now anyway, and end up a very rich man or woman with an incredible story to tell. Aren't you glad you read this?
